When you are in a relationship with someone, communication is key to things going as smooth as possible. This isn’t to say that good communication prevents conflict or disagreements from arising, however, it does allow for understanding of the issue so it can be resolved quickly and ideally prevented from happening in the future. When your partner doesn’t communicate, it can lead to ongoing and worsening issues in the relationship.
One response to conflict that not only shuts down all communication but also prevents the ability to work through what happened is the silent treatment. While the silent treatment can be used by anyone at any time, it is often used by the narcissist as a way to control and manipulate their partners.
The silent treatment is a passive-aggressive communication tactic that is meant to punish someone and for that person to be “shown” they have done something wrong. The silent treatment is passive- aggressive because the actual issue isn’t clearly identified to the alleged offender, rather, the person being passive-aggressive behaves in a way to demonstrate their unhappiness by not actually addressing what the issue is.
Let’s take a quick look at an example of passive-aggressive communication. If you are unhappy at your job but don’t want to address your unhappiness with your boss or manager, you might come to work 15 minutes late every day. You show up just late enough to be noticed but not late enough to get in trouble. By showing up late, you hope your boss or manager realizes how unhappy you are with your job. The problem is, you are leaving them guessing because they may notice you are late but have no idea why. It could be for many different reasons. During this process, your actual concern for unhappiness isn’t being addressed and you are now just seen as someone who arrives late. You have behaved in a passive-aggressive way by not addressing the issue directly.
The silent treatment from your narcissistic partner is meant to cut off communication with you to show you they are unhappy, but the absence of directly addressing the issue leaves you wondering what you did wrong. And you may not have even done anything wrong other than behave in a way the narcissist doesn’t like, which is viewed as wrong by them.
When the narcissist gives you the silent treatment, they are in control and this is a manipulation tactic they use. By not discussing the issue, they can control how they interact with you and what you get from the relationship. This leaves you feeling helpless and out of control. No matter what you say or do, they will not communicate with you or even tell you why they are not talking to you. You feel more and more out of control as the time goes on.
So how should you respond if you are the recipient of the silent treatment from the narcissist after a perceived slight? The below recommendations are for those situations where you believe your partner is using the silent treatment as a form of control, and you have already tried to address the issue directly.
Don’t apologize. When someone is not talking to you it is natural to want to resolve the issue as quick as possible. This usually means apologizing for what you think you did wrong. However, when you are apologizing to a narcissist you are telling them that you are the problem and that they have done nothing wrong. This just sets up the silent treatment as an effective tool of control for future interactions. Unless you have knowingly done something wrong, don’t apologize.
Don’t respond back with your own silent treatment. You will lose. The narcissist must be right and they lack empathy. They won’t all of a sudden start communicating again because they realize you are upset. When you give the silent treatment back, you are telling the narcissist that what they are doing is upsetting you and that is why you are shutting down. This only boosts their ego because their goal is to upset you.
Don’t engage at all because this keeps power in the hands of the narcissist. When you apologize, go silent yourself, or otherwise comment on their silence, you keep the control in the hands of the narcissist. All of these actions acknowledge what they are doing, and it is important to remember that the narcissist thinks only of themselves. When you highlight how their actions impact you, they will keep doing it to remain in control. The more out of control you appear to be, the more in control they feel.
The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse that is meant to control and manipulate. When used in this way by a narcissist, the goal is not to improve things in the relationship, but to have their partner admit their alleged wrongdoing and to change the partner’s behavior in a way that supports how the narcissist wants them to behave. When you try to get communication restarted you are only feeding their narcisissitic supply and giving them renewed resources to continue to control and manipulate you. Don’t provide the fuel to the future abuse they will inflict on you.
At Mindset Therapy we provide mental health services in Texas and Washington from trained professionals, via telepsychology, which allows you to attend the appointment from the location most convenient for you. Visit Mindset Therapy at https://www.mindsettherapyonline.com/ to learn more about the services offered and make an appointment. Also visit our YouTube page, Mindset Therapy, PLLC, for the Mental Health Minute series that provides quick pieces of information for common mental health issues.