If you have followed any of my content, then you have likely heard me talk about the unstable sense of self with the narcissist. Today, I want to discuss the unstable sense of self further, and include the topic of splitting. Because of their unstable sense of self, the narcissist will split when faced with stressors they can’t manage. What does it mean when a narcissist splits and how is this related to their unstable sense of self?
First, let’s define a sense of self. A sense of self is how you perceive characteristics that define you. This would include your likes, dislikes, interests, what you view as right and wrong, and your personality. When you have a strong sense of self, you know what each of those things are and move through life with recognition of those characteristics. They do not need to stay permanent, however, and can change over time. Nevertheless, when one aspect of your sense of self changes, this doesn’t negatively impact all other components of yourself. And while the characteristics of you can change over time, they remain somewhat stable and do not change in response to small changes in your environment.
An unstable sense of self, or unstable sense of identity, is when someone is unsure how they think about or perceive themselves. Individuals with narcissistic personality traits struggle with issues of identity. This is not the same as not knowing what direction you want to go in life such as relationships or career. This is a deeper sense of not knowing who you are. The narcissists’ sense of self is unstable because it is easily influenced by outside factors and small changes in their environment can leave them feeling uneasy and unsure how to function. They lack a strong sense of self so any changes around them can lead to feelings of insecurity, and they do not know how to respond to this.
The narcissists are fragile and constantly risk being negatively affected by the world around them. They present as superior and all-knowing but this is a façade to hide their low self-esteem and unstable sense of self. They believe, unconsciously, if they can make people believe they are flawless then they protect themselves from being exposed as a fraud. They are always on the defensive looking for anything that might poke holes in this façade, and this is why the narcissist can appear cold-hearted and uncaring. They are only focused on themselves and how things affect them.
Because the narcissist has this unstable sense of self and is influenced by the world around them, they cannot hold good and bad in their mind at the same time. People, and things, are seen as all-good or all-bad. There is no in-between. If the narcissist has valued someone for 10 years and then they feel targeted by this person, this person will quickly be devalued. The narcissist has suffered a narcissistic injury and now this person has been devalued and are all-bad. The fact that the narcissist had 10 good years with this person doesn’t matter at that time. They can’t consider any of the good memories once they feel as if they have been wronged. The devaluation comes when the narcissist can only see them as bad and flawed.
When the narcissist categorizes someone as all-bad, this is splitting. The narcissist can’t feel the good and bad feelings about someone at the same time, so they split into all good or all bad. Splitting is a defense mechanism that allows the narcissist to not feel uncomfortable by the presence of good and bad together. When they split, they can keep these two dichotomous concepts independent of each other and protect their sense of self.
It might be difficult to consider what splitting is and how a narcissist can move into such extremes, especially when it is opposite of how they previously thought of a person. Any outside force, such as someone looking at them wrong, saying something to them, or them believing they will be found out as a fraud, are too much for them to handle so they split into separate "parts". Their thoughts and emotions are in separate pieces, and they are no longer a "whole" being anymore. This helps to keep them separated from the negatives they are experiencing and to protect themselves. The narcissist must split to stabilize their unstable sense of self.
Let’s look at an example to better understand the narcissist splitting. Think of it as the narcissist needing to separate all its parts to ensure there is no influence from one part on another. Imagine a bunch of walls the narcissist puts up between each of their “pieces” once they split. The walls further protect their unstable sense of self so there is no further damage. Let’s consider a more tangible example. Have you been in an office building during a fire alarm? You may have seen fire doors close off different sections of the building. The purpose of the fire doors is to keep the fire from spreading beyond the initial room and into other rooms. The fire doors split the building into individual sections so the whole building isn’t impacted by the fire.
Once the fire has been contained, the fire doors open, and the building again is a “whole”. The purpose of the fire doors was to protect the integrity of the building. The purpose of the splitting in the narcissist is meant to protect the integrity of the narcissist.
It might seem counterintuitive that the narcissist will split to stabilize themselves, but these walls of division are necessary to protect their unstable senses of self. I’ve said it many times, and it is worth mentioning again here. The narcissist is inward focused and always on the defensive. They must protect themselves from potential narcissistic injury, which they are highly susceptible to because of their unstable senses of self. The narcissist doesn’t make sense, and never will, because they are responding to their internal dialogue at each given moment, and you will never really know what is happening inside of them.