I talk a lot about control from the narcissist.  I’ve discussed how a narcissist controls and why they need to control everything and everyone around them.  Today, I want to more specifically discuss ways in which a narcissist controls you. Controlling behaviors are a form of emotional abuse.  Let me be clear, not only narcissists engage in emotional abuse.  Emotional abuse is enacted everyday by non-narcissists and while I will discuss control from a narcissist today, this same information would apply to a non-narcissist who is controlling. 

Emotional abuse is where controlling behaviors live. Emotional abuse is any non-physical action that is meant to control someone and wears down their feelings of their own self-worth.  Emotional abuse can be direct threats that are made to you or name calling, but can also be more subtle and include dismissiveness, invalidation, or  the silent treatment.  The emotional abuse is intended for the abuser to feel in control of you and your actions, so they control everything about you to maintain the control over you.

There are many articles and videos out there which explain controlling behavior, but they often only list the big things such as the narcissist telling you what you can wear, who your friends can be, whether you can see your family, whether you can get a job, etc.  However, controlling behavior from a narcissist can occur in the more mundane tasks of everyday life and it is important to discuss those as well.  When the narcissist starts to control every aspect of your existence you lose a sense of who you are.  The narcissist is a master at nitpicking and belittling everything someone does. 

The narcissist cannot exist without exerting control over others.  They need to ensure you never forget their way is the best, and only, way things should be done.  Everyone should be like them, even though no one can compare to them in their mind.  It is a never-ending game of control and manipulation that you will most definitely lose but that is how the game is set up. 

When I say the narcissist will control everything you do, I mean everything.  They control how you chop vegetables, how you walk, how you close a car door, how you drive.  Literally everything.  They tell you how you are doing it wrong, the right way to do it, and how you will never learn.  They act like they need to teach you how to survive in a world you are surviving perfectly fine in.  

The problem is, you are living in the reality of your own life and not the reality the narcissist has created for you.  So, in their mind, you really are doing everything wrong. It is not how they would do it so that means it is wrong.  No questions asked.  No discussion needed. You are absolutely wrong. 

Even though the narcissist’s reality is oftentimes different from what others around them see, it is still very much their reality.  Have you heard the saying, “perception is reality”? That is an important concept when considering the narcissists and their world view.  Their perception is seen as a fact and becomes their reality. 

The narcissist lacks object constancy which further skews their perception of things, and they can’t consider you as a separate being that can make independent decisions.  The only way is the narcissist’s way.  You MUST like the same TV shows as them, be upset with the same people, enjoy the same restaurants, and do things as they do. To consider the possibility that other options are available is not something the narcissist can do. When you chop the vegetables wrong, close the car door harder than they would, or don’t walk, talk, breathe, or live the way they do, you are wrong. They must ensure that you know how wrong you are and will control every aspect of your being.  While it feels very much about you, remember it is about them and their need to control to prevent narcissistic injury in themselves.