No one will ever compare to the narcissist in their intelligence, looks, and social skills. They are the ideal that we all strive to reach. But seriously, who am I kidding? Of course, the narcissist is not better than everyone else; however, they will ensure those around them believe they are. They are grandiose, preoccupied with fantasies of success, believe they are special or unique, have a sense of entitlement, and are arrogant in their behaviors. They think no one else can understand them because of these self-centered traits they possess. If you have interacted with a narcissist, usually one who is more overt in their behaviors, you have seen that the narcissist has this image that they must maintain that they are better than everyone else. However, does the narcissist really believe that they are superior, and no one can compare to them?
The answer is no. At least not at their core. The narcissist has an unstable sense of self and low self-esteem. They don’t actually believe they are this all-knowing powerful person they come off as. However, they cannot let anyone else see they are a fraud and actively work to keep from being exposed. To be exposed for the fraud they are leads to feelings of shame and then narcissistic injury. The narcissist can’t appropriately regulate their emotions when upset and they then engage in narcissistic punishment tactics of rage or silent treatment. The purpose of the narcissist punishment is to help them regain control in a situation they feel out of control in.
When the narcissist is faced with feelings of shame that have been triggered by accusations of wrongdoing, being a fraud, or anything else that puts them on the defensive, they lose some of their narcissistic supply. Narcissist supply is a sort of defense that narcissists need to protect against narcissistic injury. It is their buffer to a world that they don’t quite fit into and are always on the defensive in. The narcissist can only truly feel good about themselves when they can maintain their feelings of superiority.
The narcissist must believe they are better than everyone else and to do this they make you look bad. They must ensure the people in their life don’t compete for their attention and assume positive attributes. They also need you to feel bad about yourself because when you feel bad about yourself, they feel good about themselves. The narcissist is always designing an environment in which they will win so they can continue to feel on top.
The more negative comments they can make to you, the happier the narcissist feels. They also will enlist the help of others to do their dirty work so that more people are on board with their assessment of you and everything that is wrong with you.
This is again a buffer the narcissist has created. If they can get other people to see you negatively or as the problem, then they can work less in their efforts to put you down and make you feel negatively about yourself. The narcissist would prefer to spend time reminding people how great they are and not in discussing others, even if it is negative.
And if something positive happens in your life, the narcissist will be the first to discount it, say it was luck, or otherwise claim it wasn’t because of anything good you did. The narcissist can’t see you happy and you really can’t do anything right with the narcissist. They set you up for failure so they can be seen positively. Even during times in which the narcissist may be love bombing, saying all of the right things to make you feel good, they are doing this for their own gain. They need you to feel better so that they can start the cycle of beating you down again. It’s easy to hope and believe the narcissist will change, but really look at their actions and ask yourself whether their positive words are because they want you to have a lasting feeling of happiness, or will it again turn into them putting you down.
