The narcissist is unpredictable and changes from one moment to the next, all based on what insecurity they are feeling in that moment.   However, despite their unpredictability in most situations, the narcissist is predictable in other ways, and one is with their undying commitment to ensure you are never happy.  Narcissists hate you being happy because happy people tend to be more independent thinkers and the narcissist can’t have this. People in their lives must always be ready to be controlled.  Also, when people are happy it implies they are enjoying their life.  Narcissists don’t understand what true enjoyment is and they don’t want to see others feel this elusive emotion.  Narcissists are envious of what they can’t have and ensure that those in their life are always unhappy.  Why do narcissists hate you being happy?

There are several factors that contribute to the narcissist not liking to see you be happy and I will discuss 3 factors today.

The first reason the narcissist hates you being happy is because they are self-focused.  The narcissist thinks only of themselves and evaluate situations in the context of how it affects them.  They always look inward to protect against shame and narcissistic injury.  Due to only being able to look inward, they can only consider things from their viewpoint.  However, they take this a step further and expect everyone else to see things from their point of view as well.  To experience a different opinion or conclusion would mean you are not considering things from their perspective.  So, if you are happy and the narcissist is not, then the narcissist is not ok with your happiness. 

The second reason the narcissist hates you being happy is because they lack empathy. The narcissist doesn’t understand the concept of happy in someone else and they can’t relate to it.  Because they can’t relate to this feeling of happiness, they don’t know how to appropriately respond to someone who is happy and this can come off as rude and dismissive. This lack of empathy and perspective taking relates back to the first item I just discussed.  The narcissist is inward focused and only thinks in the context of how they are feeling.  When you are happy and they can’t understand your happiness, they then compare it to their current mood.  If they are low on narcissistic supply and need you to feel bad about yourself, then they will show their dislike for your happiness in the moment.  

The third reason the narcissist hates you being happy is that the narcissist is envious of others. For a narcissist, people are seen in two categories: targets for their own envy, or those that envy them.  As the narcissist becomes envious, they experience anger and frustration and do not have the appropriate tools to manage these feelings which can also trigger shame.  As the envy develops, the shame takes hold, and the narcissist will often move into narcissistic rage as a maladaptive way to manage their feelings of shame.  They will dive into their toolbox of narcissistic punishment tactics and turn their negative emotions on someone else, while never addressing the issue in themselves.

When someone is happy they are usually doing more positive things in their life and getting positive comments from others.  While the narcissist doesn’t understand the person’s happiness due to a lack of empathy, they are aware of what is happening around them and how others are being treated.  When someone is getting more attention than the narcissist, they become envious.  When their envy activates shame and then narcissistic punishment tactics, they push people further away from them, and this happy person they are envious of becomes more of a threat to them.  Through the use of narcissistic punishment tactics, the narcissist can belittle and demean as a way to crush the other person’s happiness. 

The narcissist hates you being happy because it isn’t about them. Additionally, happy people are harder to control and manipulate and this is the only thing the narcissist is good at.  Take away their ability to be who they truly are, then you are attacking the core of a narcissist and they will prevent this from happening at all costs.  Everything is about the narcissist and you being happy benefits them minimally; so, of course narcissists hate you being happy.