The term word salad was originally used to describe disordered speech and thought processes of people who were psychotic. However, over time, this term has been used to describe speech patterns of narcissists in which they say things that are contradictory and inaccurate as a way to confuse you. Word salad is part of the manipulation tactics used by the narcissist and part of their crazy-making. Today, I will discuss why narcissists use word salad and what it looks like through examples.
Word salad is a way in which narcissists gaslight. If they are feeling out of control and need to regain a sense of control in their life, they will gaslight and confuse you so that you don’t know what is real anymore. If you don’t know what is real, then you lose focus on what the discussion is even about, and this leads to the narcissist feeling they have regained the upper hand.
When the narcissist is using word salad, they are tossing around whatever words come to mind and it often doesn’t make sense. They say one thing, then follow it up with an opposite statement. You question what they are doing and saying but this is just thrown back at you and becomes a focus of their belittling and invalidation.
When the narcissist uses word salad the conversation seems to be going in circles. It might be an hour conversation but absolutely nothing of value comes out of the conversation. In fact, you leave the conversation feeling confused. The narcissist might end the conversation by saying “I am happy to see we have reached an agreement”, but there was no agreement about anything made. You don’t even know what you were talking about, much less feel like some agreement came out of the conversation.
The narcissist will start to use word salad if it is something they don’t want to talk about, such as emotions, or if they think you are telling them they are wrong in some way. The narcissist doesn’t want to talk about things where they feel like they are seen as the problem, and they definitely don’t want you to discuss emotions because they find emotions to be annoying.
The narcissist knows that word salad is draining on you, and this is exactly why they do it. Because they don’t make sense, contradict themselves, and are confusing, you try to defend yourself and why you are wanting to discuss the topic to begin with. However, the narcissist just uses your escalating frustration as fuel for their ego and this allows them to continue with their word salad ways.
Now that we know what word salad is, what is an example so you can be on the lookout for this behavior?
In this scenario, you ask your narcissist partner whether they are talking to their ex. They respond “everyone talks to people that is what they do. Whether I talk to my ex or not shouldn’t matter because talking is normal and everyone does it. When you ask if I talked to my ex you are just like your friends. Always telling people what they can and can’t do. It's like when you told me you didn’t want to have hamburgers last week for dinner. It’s all about you and what you want.” You respond: “Ok, but I’m just asking if you are talking to your ex. Can you answer that question?”. Narcissist: “You can’t tell me what to do. I answered your question already and I won’t repeat myself. I am happy we cleared that up. Now let’s watch this TV show and I don’t want to hear from you again about my ex.”
As you can see in that interaction, the narcissist doesn’t ever answer your initial question. They throw in unrelated information that has nothing to do with your question. They don’t even show they validate your concern and address what your concern is. They talk about whatever they feel like they need to in order to keep you confused. When you ask for them to answer the question after the first episode of word salad, they not only provide more word salad, but then tell you that they have answered the question and then shut down any further communication. You know that to ask again will continue to lead to no meaningful response, so you don’t even bother. This is exactly what the narcissist wanted from you. They want you to feel worn down and confused so that they don’t have to take responsibility for anything. Word salad is effective for the narcissist because it refills their narcissistic supply while making you feel worse about yourself.
If you are talking to the narcissist and you become confused by what they are saying, they are likely using word salad to gaslight and manipulate. There is no recovering from that in the conversation, so it is best to step away from the interaction and not put anymore energy into the discussion. You can return at a later time to continue the discussion, but for now, the word salad is the narcissist’s way of saying they don’t care about you, or your needs.