Even though the narcissist can be selfish and demeaning to people around them, they seem to have one person they enjoy spending time with and think highly of. When this is a child, it can be difficult for any other siblings to understand why there is a preference for one child over the other.  What do you do when your narcissist parent prefers one child over another? 

Being a child is difficult.  There is so much to learn about life and how to successfully navigate the ever-expanding world you live in.  You must develop trust in others and learn how to interact with people. When your parent is a narcissist, these skills can be made difficult, and possibly stunted. If you have siblings and you find that your narcissist parent prefers a sibling over you, things are even more difficult to manage.   You find that you don’t know where you fit in, and you may develop low self-esteem, depression, and anxiety because of how you are being treated. Relationships with narcissists are abusive and emotional abuse is common.  When a narcissist parent prefers one child over another this is emotional abuse because of the favorites being picked.  Children, even adult children, have a difficult time processing why their parent doesn’t think the same of them as they do of the preferred child. 

When you are the child of a narcissist who isn’t the favorite, you may think you need to try harder to be liked and appreciated.  You doubt yourself and what you can do.  You think of what you need to do better, and you try anything to get your parents attention.  This starts in childhood but continues even as an adult. 

As the non-favorite child, you may even try to figure out what is better about the favorite sibling.  Are they smarter? More attractive? The answer is neither of those.  The answer is that the preferred child is more compliant with the narcissist and likely doesn’t push back.  This doesn’t mean they are passive or complacent, but that the favorite child allows the narcissist to be a narcissist in all of their damaging glory. 

The non-favored child might try harder to gain the love and support of their narcissistic parent, but doesn’t meet the demands placed by the narcissist.  The favored child does.   The non-favored child is set up for failure because nothing they do will ever be good enough and this dynamic is what allows the favored child to stay on top.  As the favorite child, the narcissist must maintain an image and will ensure this child succeeds at all costs.  And success is only defined by the narcissist and no one else.  Getting poor grades in school or even legal trouble may not be enough for the narcissist parent to stop favoring this child.

If nothing else, the narcissist is stubborn and steadfast in their beliefs. If they have chosen a favorite child, this is unlikely to change because then the narcissist would be admitting they chose wrong, or they did something “wrong” that made the favorite child have struggles.  The narcissist will happily wear blinders to keep moving forward in the dynamic they have set up. 

So, if you find that you are not the favorite child for the narcissist parent, focus on what you can offer others in your life and try to move away from thinking about how you are not good enough for your narcissist parent.  It is no doubt hurtful and disappointing to not be loved and appreciated by your own family, but this is of no fault of yours.  You are smart enough, attractive enough, and good enough.  The narcissist, however, will never let you know that because they need you to feel bad about yourself as a way for them to feel better about themselves.