There is nothing more frustrating than making plans with someone just to have them cancel.  It is expected that everyone must cancel plans at some point, however, when it becomes a pattern you start to wonder whether it is about you.  If you have had a narcissist in your life, cancelled plans have likely been a common occurrence.  While you have come to expect it, it is still disappointing and frustrating.

If it seems that narcissists cancel plans last minute more than other people, you are likely correct in your observation.  The canceling of plans is one more way in which the narcissist maintains control over you and the relationship.  So why do narcissists cancel plans and how is that another way they can maintain control?

The narcissist must always be in control.  This is how they can ensure their fragile egos and unstable senses of self are protected. They can’t trust others enough to be a source of supply without their manipulation, so they design an environment where they can maximize control.

One reason narcissists cancel plans is because they start to feel like they are not in control. If they think the planning was made by someone else, or is something the other person wants, this makes the narcissist feel out of control.  The narcissist cannot handle this feeling, so they act quickly to ensure that the balance of control is back in their favor.  This is done by cancelling plans, even if last minute. 

When the narcissist feels in control, their narcissistic supply can be refilled, and they validate within themselves the thoughts of superiority and grandiosity. If you notice, the plans are likely not cancelled in the love bombing stage, because the narcissist is trying to ensure they are pulling you in, in preparation of the devaluation or discard.  The cancelling of the plans also is unlikely to happen when their supply is full.  

The canceling of plans is also a well-designed test for the narcissist.  While the narcissist might seem like they have no awareness of what you like and need from the relationship, that is false.  The narcissist watches you closely and knows exactly what you need – this is how they can continuously exert control and push the right buttons for you to feel small and insignificant around them.

The narcissist puts their partner through a never-ending cycle of idealization and devaluation. When they make plans with you, this allows you to feel happy and confident with the relationship.  However, they can’t allow you to feel too settled in the relationship and the devaluation comes through cancelling the plans.   The narcissist wants to keep you guessing because this increases the chances you will stick around, in part due to trauma bonding.

The narcissist can sit back and watch your excitement turn to disappointment or anger again and again because it doesn’t affect them in the way it would affect a non-narcissistic person.  The narcissist doesn’t feel bad because they hurt you.  They lack empathy and cannot understand what someone’s emotional experience might be.  The creating of plans, as well as the canceling, is never about their partner.  It is about them and what they need in that moment. If they cancel plans, they are telling you their supply is running low and they need you to lose control so they can regain a sense of control.  If they follow though with plans made, this is because they need to ensure that you are in a place in the relationship where you start to let your guard down and feel as if you can trust them.  The more trust you have in them, the harder you will fall when they decide to devalue. 

As the partner of a narcissist, there is likely chronic disappointment in the relationship.  You go from highs and lows.  The making of plans provides hope that things really can be different and reminds you of the positives.  This keeps you in the relationship.  It is important to remember the narcissist will not change and consider you, because it is not about you, but them.  They will always look out for themselves and no matter how important certain plans may be, if it doesn’t serve the narcissist in the moment then they will ensure that the plans don’t happen as scheduled. 

At Mindset Therapy we provide mental health services in Texas and Washington from trained professionals, via telepsychology, which allows you to attend the appointment from the location most convenient for you. Visit Mindset Therapy at https://www.mindsettherapyonline.com/ to learn more about the services offered and make an appointment.  Also visit our YouTube page, Mindset Therapy, PLLC, for the Mental Health Minute series that provides quick pieces of information for common mental health issues.