Normally when I talk about narcissists, I discuss who the narcissist is and what it is like to know a narcissist, or be in a relationship with a narcissist. Today I want to discuss a new topic: how to help someone who is going through narcissistic abuse. Maybe you find yourself looking up information on the narcissist not because of your own experiences, but you want to understand what someone you know might be going through and how to help them. Today, I will discuss some things you can do to help someone who might be dealing with a narcissist. As I normally do, I will discuss a dating relationship with a narcissist for ease of conversation. However, the information can apply to any type of relationship with a narcissist such as parent-child, friends, or in the work setting.
The first thing to remember when your friend is in a relationship with a narcissist is that the version of the narcissist you see may not be the version your friend sees. Narcissists are excellent at impression management. They need to present themselves as all-knowing and with high confidence when they are around others. They believe they are superior to others, and they must act in a way for you to also believe this. The narcissist will likely seem to be nice, caring, and understanding. They may be overly affectionate with your friend in public and talk highly of them when you are around. But this is all part of the game of control and manipulation. The narcissist behind closed doors is often very different.
The narcissist alone with the person they abuse needs to always be in control. They use their partner as their source of supply because it is ready access. What this means is if the narcissist feels like they are at risk of being exposed for the fraud they are, are experiencing shame or narcissistic injury, or any other negative emotions, they will belittle, rage, and/or give the silent treatment to their partner to feel better about themselves. The narcissist will always need someone else to help them feel better because they are incapable of doing this on their own.
The narcissist knows they can’t always act like a jerk in front of others because then they won’t be seen as the superior person they want you to believe they are. They also wouldn’t be able to use the other person, you, in their game of control and manipulation. The narcissist needs you to think they are a loving, caring person so when their partner comes to you to vent about how they are being treated, you will be less willing to side with your friend because the version of the narcissist you see is different from the version of the narcissist their partner gets.
This brings us to another way you can help someone who might be going through narcissistic abuse, and that is by not becoming a flying monkey. I have discussed the concept of flying monkeys in more detail previously, so I will just touch on it now. The flying monkey is another person the narcissist recruits to help them in their smear campaign. As the narcissist tries to spread misinformation about your friend to make them look like the crazy, mean, or unstable person, they need people on their side to boost their ego and also to ensure that more people believe them over your friend. Again, the narcissist’s entire life is about impression management through control and manipulation. By recruiting you as a flying monkey, they are controlling you as well as your friend. If you find the narcissist is trying to bring you into the issues with their partner, step back and don’t get involved. The narcissist doesn’t need your help in continuing to abuse their partner.
It is also important you avoid victim blaming. There are many reasons why your friend has stayed in the abusive relationship with the narcissist and none of those reasons are for you to judge. Your friend is being gaslighted by the narcissist and they already feel invalidated in their thoughts and emotions. If you victim blame, or in any way don’t show support for the decisions they have made, they will quickly lose trust in you, and you will be one more person in their life they feel doesn’t support them. As the friend of a narcissist, it is no doubt painful, frustrating, sad, and confusing to watch your friend remain in a relationship with someone who treats them poorly. Your only role, however, is to remind your friend you are there for them when they are ready to talk. It is also helpful if you ask your friend what they need from you when they want to vent so that you can provide the most effective form of support.
The final topic I will discuss today is how you can help your friend create a safety plan for when they are ready to leave. When people are in abusive relationships, they feel alone in their experiences and they start to isolate from others, or others move out of their lives. This makes it even more difficult for your friend to leave. Help them build a safety and exit plan so that they can feel empowered when the time comes where they feel confident enough in themselves to no longer be in their abusive relationship. Remember, you are their friend whose role is to support and not judge. Your friend is getting enough judgment and disparaging words from the narcissist, and they don’t need more from you, someone they care about.