Interacting with a narcissist can be frustrating and at times infuriating.  The conversations are one-sided and the narcissist guides the discussion to what will benefit them the most.  Despite your best efforts to have a meaningful conversation, or to find some common ground in a disagreement that is occurring, the narcissist moves forward in their attempts to control and manipulate not only the conversation, but you. 

The more you try to reach a resolution, the more out of control the narcissist spins.  They resort to personal attacks, blame-shifting, and denial as they move into defensive mode to protect their fragile egos.  The narcissist lacks something called object constancy, and as they are upset with someone, they cannot think of them as someone they once cared about.  It is not possible for a narcissist to hold positive and negative thoughts about someone at the same time. As a result, when they get upset, they will become cruel and experience something called narcissistic rage as they spin out of control. 

While the easiest way to end these negative interactions with narcissists is to just walk away, or leave them for good, this isn’t always possible and is much easier said than done.  In this blog, I will go over 3 phrases to disarm a narcissist.  Having these phrases available to you will make it easier to quickly revert to these phrases instead of continuing to go in circles with the narcissist.  The longer you try to prove your point with the narcissist, the more out of control they feel and the more likely they will start to fall into a narcissistic rage which will be directed at you. 

Before we get into the phrases you can use to disarm a narcissist, let’s discuss some key points to allow you to stay focused when you find yourself in an argument with a narcissist and attempt to use the key phrases. 

Key points to remember when you are in an argument with a narcissist:

1. Don’t try to argue right and wrong.  The narcissist cannot, and will not, accept blame for their actions even when all of the evidence points to them.  To accept blame requires the ability to accept wrongdoing and the narcissist’s fragile ego and unstable sense of self does not allow for this. There is no “right” or “wrong” with the narcissist, only how you have wronged them and are the person at fault.

2. Don’t expect an apology. The narcissist cannot take responsibility for their actions because this leads to feelings of shame.  The narcissist will deflect against all accusations as a way to protect against shame, which can lead to narcisissitic rage. An apology requires the ability to accept responsibility, and the narcissist cannot do this. 

3. Don’t take the bait. The narcissist likes to keep you on your toes and actively engaged in the argument so that they can manipulate and confuse you.  The bait is meant to bring you further into the argument, while pulling you away from what the discussion was even about to begin with.  This leads to arguments going in circles and you feeling like nothing is ever resolved.  Don’t take the bait and give them more to work with in their attacks on you. 

So now onto the 3 PHRASES YOU CAN USE TO DISARM THE NARCISSIST:

Phrase 1: “I’m sorry you feel that way”.  This phrase doesn’t require you to take responsibility for what is happening.  It is a statement that provides little additional information for the narcissist to use against you.  When you use this phrase, don’t feel obligated to follow it up with explanations or examples.  Keep it simple and to the point to reduce the response the narcissist can have back.

Phrase 2: “I hear you”.  The narcissist thrives on attention.  This attention is needed for them to refill their narcissistic supply.  When their supply runs low, this is when they can become their meanest.  During these times, their feelings of grandiosity and superiority are waning, but they would never tell you that.  They start fights as a way to feel better about themselves.  Simply stating “I hear you” can allow them to feel heard in that moment, which is often all they are looking for. 

Phrase 3: “Everything is ok”.  As I have already mentioned, the narcissist will become their meanest, and least understanding, when they feel out of control, targeted, or running low on supply.  They can feel their inner sense of superiority slipping away and will do anything to get it back.  By responding with “Everything is ok”, you can calmly reassure them that this too shall pass.  They don’t have the ability to self-soothe and seek that sense of stability outside of themselves. When you acknowledge everything will be ok, you help them move from their current state of self-preservation to recognition that things can be ok.

There are other phrases you can use such as “no”, or even nothing at all.  However, those will likely place the narcissist further into self-preservation mode and increase their narcissistic rage.  Try one of the above phrases first because they will allow the narcissist to feel heard which is more likely to stop the argument, or at least prevent more fuel being added to the fire.

If you find yourself in an argument with a narcissist, it is important to remember that they are masters at their game of control and manipulation. They have perfected this craft over years, or even decades. The sooner you can step away from that particular argument and realize the goal of the narcissist is not to come to a conclusion that works for the both of you, the more sane you will feel and can regain control in your life.  By using those 3 phrases, you can take the control back from the narcissist.

At Mindset Therapy we provide mental health services in Texas and Washington from trained professionals, via telepsychology, which allows you to attend the appointment from the location most convenient for you. Visit Mindset Therapy at https://www.mindsettherapyonline.com/ to learn more about the services offered and make an appointment.  Also visit our YouTube page, Mindset Therapy, PLLC, for the Mental Health Minute series that provides quick pieces of information for common mental health issues.