When a narcissist goes silent, do you automatically wonder, “What did I do wrong?”  If you have ever asked yourself that question after the narcissist has stopped talking to you, then you did exactly what the narcissist wanted.  The narcissist must make you believe you are the problem so they can continue to believe they are flawless and superior. Today, I will break down whether the silent treatment is truly your fault, or if the narcissist just wants you to think it is. 

Everything the narcissist does is part of their well-crafted plan of control and manipulation.  They can’t manage any unpredictability around them, so they must control everything.  The problem is, those around the narcissists each have their own thoughts and ways of dealing with life and this doesn’t always match up with the narcissist’s crafted plan. How do they manage this? Through their manipulation.  

If things don’t go exactly as the narcissist has planned, they will manipulate people, and their environment, so that it matches up with their crafted script.  Through this constant manipulation, narcissists train you to feel responsible for their moods.  Remember, everything the narcissist does is meant to benefit them.  If they can make you feel responsible for their moods, then they can remove all responsibility and accountability from themselves. 

When the narcissist goes silent, it feels like punishment because that is how the narcissist has designed it.  You feel responsible for their mood. Combine this sense of responsibility with their silence and how you feel like you are being punished for a wrong doing you committed.  You think “Did I say something wrong?", “Did I overreact?”.

Because you are an empathic person, you try to figure out what you did wrong and how to fix it.  And while you focus on yourself, you forget the silent treatment is about their need for control, and not your mistake. 

As you focus on your role in the silent treatment and how you can fix it, you are likely overlooking the bigger issue, which is that the silent treatment isn’t being given to you by the narcissist as a way for you two to work through issues. Healthy relationships talk through issues, they don’t punish with silence. The silence of the narcissist isn’t spent reflecting on their role in what is happening.  The narcissist controlling through silence is about avoidance, power, and emotional punishment. 

As the narcissist stays silent, all of their attention is on you.  They are watching how you respond, and they can sense your uneasiness.  When all their attention is on you, they spend no time focusing on themselves.  Remember, the silent treatment isn’t for the narcissist to reflect and change. The silent treatment is to manipulate you and to train you to act in a way they expect you to. 

If you are given the silent treatment by the narcissist, here are some practical tips for how you can respond:

First, don’t chase or beg for communication.  The silent treatment from the narcissist is a form of baiting.  They give the silent treatment to bait you into a behavior they want you to engage in.   If you chase them or beg them to talk to you, then you are taking the bait and boosting the narcissist’s draining narcissistic supply. 

The second thing you can do is stay calm.  The narcissist wants a reaction from you. The narcissist isn’t giving the silent treatment as a way to relax and get away from something you did.  They give the silent treatment to get a response from you.  Don’t reward their behavior by reacting.  Stay calm and remind yourself you did nothing wrong and there is nothing to fix. 

Lastly, you want to recognize the silent treatment as a tactic and not a reflection of your worth.  It feels personal and you feel targeted by the narcissist, but the silent treatment isn’t because you aren’t good enough or did something wrong.  The silent treatment will always be about the narcissist’s fragile ego. 

So, is the silent treatment your fault? No. It’s their manipulation, not your responsibility. What the silent treatment really means is the narcissist is on the verge of experiencing the very feelings they try to avoid and are at risk for narcissistic collapse. 

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In the next blog, I’ll go into more detail about how to protect yourself during the silent treatment.