The narcissist discard can be one of the most painful parts of a narcissistic relationship. Sure, there were many times where you thought about not being together any longer or wishing they would just leave you. But when the narcissist decides the relationship is over, they let you know in a brutal fashion. They blame shift, project, and make it seem as if you were the reason for all of the problems. You feel like you are never good enough throughout the relationship, and as it ends, the narcissist ensures you feel responsible while removing all blame from themselves.
Now that you have been discarded, you might wonder whether it is permanent. On one hand you are happy to be rid of the abusive, controlling narcissist in your life. But on the other hand, you remember when things were good and wish you could have that back. How do you know if the discard is permanent and whether the narcissist will try to hoover you back into their life?
Let’s start with why the discard may not be permanent.
The narcissist uses you to meet their own needs. They assess what will help boost their ego and provide them with continuous supply to maintain their sense of grandiosity. The narcissist will discard you when you no longer serve a purpose in their life and helping them get their needs met. There is nothing you can do at this point to make things better because the narcissist is only focused on themselves. They weigh the pros and cons of keeping you in their life and if they decide the cons outweigh the pros, then you will be discarded. They will then move onto someone else who can serve their needs.
However, the narcissist will hoover and try to pull you back in after the discard if they feel like they can control and manipulate you in the future to boost their ego. The narcissist has watched you very closely in the relationship, including how you responded at the very end. If they believe the love bombing and idealization phase will work to bring you back into their lives, then they will attempt this again when they are looking for a new supply. They know what worked in the past to bring you back in and they will try that tactic again to see if it will work to their benefit.
Now let’s discuss why the discard may be permanent.
The narcissist likes to be the one in control and if they think you have caught onto them and figured them out, then they are unlikely to come back after the discard. You are a liability at this point and can no longer be a source of supply to boost their egos. You become someone who calls them out, responds with “return to sender” when they try to blame shift onto you, and start to have a voice. By you taking control of the interactions, they must constantly go into self-preservation mode to save their image of themselves. You point out all their flaws and deflecting onto you is exhausting for the narcissist, so they give up. The discard is permanent because you don’t allow them to use their narcissist tactics on you.
So now that the narcissist is finally out of your life, now is the time to not allow them back in. Grey rock and do whatever to prevent hoovering. Remind yourself the narcissist isn’t looking to bring you back into their life because they care about how they hurt you, but because they need something from you that they can’t get from anywhere else. You might have hope this time will be different, but remind yourself all of those previous times you had hope and it was short-lived. Hope is powerful but no matter how much hope you have in yourself, it doesn’t change the fact that narcissists will rarely change.
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