If I give the silent treatment, am I a narcissist? If you have ever asked yourself that question, stick around and we will discuss how you aren’t a narcissist simply because you have gone silent with the narcissist.
First of all, what is the silent treatment? The silent treatment is a control tactic used by the narcissist when they feel like they are losing control of a situation. It is one of the narcissist punishment tactics they enact when their narcissist supply is running low, and they need to refill their waning supply source. When the narcissist gives you the silent treatment, they shut down all communication with you, while also silencing your voice. Because they refuse to talk to you when they go silent, you don’t have the ability to defend yourself against accusations they likely made before they went silent. The narcissist needs you to always feel unseen and unheard to erode your self-confidence.
The silent treatment given by the narcissist is completely about control and no other reason. They think you have wronged them, believe you aren’t acting as they would like, or in some way are going against their expectations in how you behaved. To show you how wrong you are in your ways, they give the silent treatment. The silent treatment is an attempt for them to move the control back into their favor. When you are unable to communicate with them, this is controlling.
Let me repeat that again, the one and only reason the narcissist gives the silent treatment is to control you. They feel you have wronged them and now they must punish you.
But what if you go silent in response to the narcissist's abusive tactics? Are you now a narcissist? The answer is no. When a non-narcissist goes silent it isn’t to control. When a non-narcissist, such as yourself, goes silent, it is to gain your sanity back. The narcissist engages in crazy-making with their gaslighting in an attempt to make you not know what is real and what isn’t. You start to doubt your own thoughts and feelings and never know what to think or believe. The narcissist will also belittle and name call as a way to put you down. The narcissist is cruel, and you can only take so much. When you go silent in response to the abuse from the narcissist, you are cutting off their ability to further abuse you.
This isn’t about control though when you do it. Sure, you are controlling what information gets to you from the narcissist, and what you tell the narcissist. But you aren’t controlling the narrative as a way to punish the narcissist. You have gone silent because you can’t take more of the abuse. Your silence is needed for your sanity.
And silence from you is the best way to deal with narcissist abuse. When the narcissist is in attack mode because their fragile ego has been damaged, they will resort to any tactic to refill their narcissist supply. Each tactic they use is meant to bait you into an interaction. They go silent in hopes you take the bait and apologize for the wrongdoing they want you to believe you did. Or they use their narcissistic rage and verbally attack you in hopes you take the bait and defend yourself against their accusations while no longer focusing on their wrong doing.
When you go silent, you are no longer taking the bait from the narcissist, and this helps you be in control of the situation. This isn’t the same as you being silent in order to control the situation so that you get your way. That is a very fine distinction between the two and this is why it can be confusing. When a narcissist goes silent it isn’t to try to assess the situation and figure out how to make it better. It is to make you see how you have wronged them. When you go silent, it is to no longer be an active participant in their abusive ways.
You are an empath and care if how you are acting hurts the other person and the relationship. The narcissist doesn’t feel the same way. They don’t care about you or your feelings. In fact, they rely on you feeling guilty when you go silent because they can then use that guilt against you. If you find that you have gone silent with the narcissist and question whether you are a narcissist, remind yourself that by simply asking that one question, you are not the narcissist. Your silence is needed for you to protect who you are from the narcissist’s control and manipulation.