The narcissist has a lot of things they are good at: hurling insults, manipulation, control, and believing everyone wants to be just like them. Another thing the narcissist is good at is making you feel like you are never enough. The narcissist boosts themselves up by putting others down. The inflated sense of self-worth the narcissist portrays to those around them is not because they are confident, well-adjusted people internally. The narcissist has an inflated sense of self-worth because it is how they survive in the fantasy world they have created to protect against being found out as the fraud they truly are. They convince themselves they are amazing through the lies they tell about everyone else. You feel like you are never enough for the narcissist because you are, in actuality, never enough for the narcissist. Your strengths and good qualities are not something the narcissist wants to highlight and build up. Your strengths are a threat to the narcissist, and you can never feel better about yourself than they feel about themselves.
The narcissist wants to keep you feeling down and low about yourself because this protects them against narcissistic injury due to shame. So, while you feel like you were never enough for the narcissist, this isn’t really a fair conclusion to make about yourself. The narcissist doesn’t think about you and whether you are good enough or not. They think in the context of themselves and what makes them feel better. While it is easy to take it personally, this is independent of you and who you are as a person. The narcissist finds things to not like about you because that is the only way they can function in the world.
When the narcissist makes statements that make you feel like you are never good enough, it can feel personal because the narcissist knows exactly what buttons to push. They watch you closely and listen to what complaints you say about yourself, and also how you respond when they say negative things to you. The narcissist watches you closely so they can use that information against you later. When it appears the narcissist doesn’t pay attention to you or what you say or do, this is just part of their controlling behaviors.
You will feel enough for the narcissist when they need you to feel happy and safe in the relationship. This is the period in which they love bomb. The love bombing is when the narcissist showers you with gifts and kind words. Again, it might feel personal and as if they actually like you or are starting to change for the positive. But again, this is all part of their game of control and manipulation. The narcissist feels at risk for narcissistic injury and thinks you are slipping out of their grips of control so they love bomb to make you feel safe again. During these periods you might actually feel like you are enough for the narcissist. In reality, the narcissist’s view of you hasn’t changed. They still feel the same way about you that they did when they were belittling you. The narcissist isn’t capable of feeling sustained, true emotions for someone. How the narcissist thinks about you is completely dependent on their own needs and not in consideration of you.
If you think you aren’t good enough for the narcissist you might try to find ways to be better, try harder, or do more to make the narcissist happy. Don’t waste your time and energy. Anything positive you do towards the narcissist just artificially inflates their narcissistic ego because to them you are catering to their needs. Their view of you won’t change based on what you do because their view of you is dependent on their own insecurities, and this is not something you can ever predict.
Instead of thinking about how you are never enough for the narcissist, try to focus on those in your life who do show appreciation for your value and don’t put you down to feel better about themselves.