In a previous blog I discussed why it is so hard to set boundaries with the narcissist. On one hand you know that you need to set the boundaries so you don’t continue to get walked all over by the narcissist, but on the other hand you try to keep the boundary you set and find that you quickly return to your previous way of functioning with the narcissist. It becomes a pattern of setting boundaries and then having them taken advantage of, so you just give up. You know you need to set the boundaries, but how do you set boundaries with narcissists and keep them? In the blog today I will discuss how to keep boundaries with the narcissist. Check out the blog “Why can’t I set boundaries with the narcissist” for more information on the boundary setting process.
As I discuss how to set boundaries with narcissists and keep them, remember that at the root of all narcissist activity is the need to control. The narcissist must always feel in control to protect their unstable senses of self and their low self-esteem. When they feel out of control in a situation they will push back to regain control. How this is done depends on the individual narcissist and can be blatant disregard for you, or more passive aggressive techniques.
The more overt narcissist will show their dislike for the boundary through name calling, belittling, and blame. The covert narcissist will be passive aggressive, in a way that is more manipulative and under-handed such as the silent treatment. Either way, the narcissist doesn’t like to be told what to do and they see a boundary as being told what to do and they will fight against it.
Whether it is the overt or covert narcissist, the boundaries are hard to keep because the narcissist will do whatever it takes to get things back to how they want them. As you learn how to keep boundaries with narcissists, it incorporates different topics I have discussed in my blogs such as no contact and the grey rock technique. It will be helpful to familiarize yourself with these terms because they will help you keep your boundaries.
The narcissist is a master manipulator and will use techniques such as gaslighting to keep you confused. They will twist your words as a way for you to question reality. If you aren’t sure who or what to trust and what is real, then you are more likely to change your thoughts and beliefs. This is where the narcissist can keep control over you and their environment. When they see a boundary they don’t like, they will blame-shift, belittle, and name call so that you change your boundary. They are persistent and will wear you down no matter how much you want to keep the boundary.
The narcissist has everything to lose by feeling confined by a boundary set by you. The boundary threatens their beliefs they are superior, and they cannot risk this because it leads to narcissistic injury. Each time you set a boundary and then remove it because the narcissist has used their punishment tactics, you have reinforced the belief that your boundaries are not serious and can be modified at any time. You must keep that boundary no matter how hard the narcissist makes it for you!
Here are 4 ways to keep boundaries with a narcissist:
Don’t explain yourself or justify the boundary you have made. The boundary is defined by you and doesn’t need pre-approval, or even ongoing approval, from the narcissist. Why you made the boundary and why you will keep the boundary is not open to discussion. When you engage in a conversation trying to explain or justify, this gives the narcissist the fuel to use in their attacks on you.
Learn to remove yourself from conversations that are belittling or attacking. The narcissist knows how to wear you down and to change the topic of the conversation in their favor. If they aren’t happy with the boundary and find discussing the boundary with you is not going anywhere, then they will bring up other topics to use in their game of control and manipulation. Don’t fall into the trap! Learn how to remove yourself from conversations that are turned on you. This can be done by leaving the conversation, or changing it to something else.
Don’t excuse their behavior. The narcissist knows when they are wrong, they just lack the ability to empathize and understand how their actions affect others. The narcissist knows exactly what they are doing so don’t make excuses for their behavior.
Know where to draw the line in what you will allow and not allow. This one is the most important because if you don’t know where the boundary line is, then you cannot hold the narcissist accountable. Unless the boundary is clearly defined in yourself, the narcissist will be easily able to manipulate the boundary. You must be clear on what the boundary is and what you are/are not ok with happening as you enforce the boundary.
While keeping the boundary with the narcissist is difficult, it is mandatory if you want to be taken seriously by the narcissist. Each time you set the boundary and then remove it, you are enabling the narcissist’s toxic and abusive behavior. In the narcissistic relationship there is much that you are not in control of but setting and keeping boundaries is a way to show the narcissist that you cannot be walked all over and taken advantage of.
At Mindset Therapy we provide mental health services in Texas and Washington from trained professionals, via telepsychology, which allows you to attend the appointment from the location most convenient for you. Visit Mindset Therapy at https://www.mindsettherapyonline.com/ to learn more about the services offered and make an appointment. Also visit our YouTube page, Mindset Therapy, PLLC, for the Mental Health Minute series that provides quick pieces of information for common mental health issues.