Narcissists are excellent at putting on a show. They can make those around them think they are caring and well-functioning individuals; however, they can quickly switch to someone who is brutal in their words and actions. They might name-call, belittle, or give you the silent treatment when they don’t get their way. Not only are narcissists brutal in their responses to you, but they can be unpredictable. One day they are loving and caring and the next day you are viewed as the reason for all their problems. In today’s blog I will discuss some ways you can respond to a narcissist while not reacting to their behaviors. If you can remember what to say to a narcissist to shut them down, then you can keep yourself from entering into the crazy making from the narcissist.
The crazy making from the narcissist occurs because they are trying to control and manipulate to keep order in their lives. They must always be on the look-out for things that will impact their low self-worth and they need to be ready to respond in those situations. While their behavior might seem to be unpredictable, if you step back and look at the big picture, you will see the narcissist is very predictable, at least in what makes them revert to their punishment tactics.
When the narcissist must look inward, they often don’t like what they see so they ensure they rarely need to actually look at who they are as a person. They do this by projecting back onto those around them. This is where you, the person who spends time with the narcissist, are brought into the narcissist crazy making. You’ve been here before and always tell yourself that you won’t get pulled into the crazy making, but it is hard to not get trapped. So how do you respond in those moments?
Today, I am going to discuss some phrases you can have ready to use when you find yourself trapped in this game of push and pull with the narcissist. What happens in the moment is you become stressed, and this activates your anxiety response, which leads to you freezing. The freezing impacts your ability to think in the moment and you react to the narcissist, which is exactly what they want from you. When you react, they can then call you out in your behaviors and the spotlight is off them. If you can respond calmly and with phrases that don’t escalate the situation, then you can find yourself moving away from the crazy making as quick as possible. The narcissist enjoys fighting and you don’t want to give them fuel they can use against you.
Here are 5 phrases you can use.
1. I hear you.
2. Everything is ok.
3. I am sorry you are feeling this way.
4. Your anger is not my responsibility.
5. Is there anything I can do to help you?
You might notice these phrases are about the narcissist and helping them feel better. Why would you want to make the narcissist feel better when they are about to launch an attack on you? Simply, because you need to de-escalate the situation and take the focus from you. In the moment, the narcissist is moving into the emotional state of narcissist rage. They cannot think clearly. They are trying to pull you into that same emotional state to get you off guard and easier to control.
In the moment, the narcissist is not able, or willing, to see how their actions are affecting you. That is not the time to try to problem solve or work through the issues. The narcissist is trying to bait you to see you struggle and refill their narcissist supply.
The 5 phrases I discussed don’t have judgment or blame within them. They are short phrases that provide little additional information for the narcissist to use against you in the moment. The goal is not to figure out why the narcissist is mad or why they act the way they do. The goal is to not react to the narcissist and make things worse. During these moments where the narcissist is protecting against narcissistic injury, they are in self-preservation mode. They are trying to revert back to their feelings of superiority. They want to be heard and those phrases I have provided help them to feel heard.
You want to practice these phrases to yourself so that they become automatic when you need them most in the moment. Review them daily. Write them in your phone. Even in the moment it is ok to say the same one over and over again as the narcissist escalates. Remain disengaged from the argument the narcissist is trying to start by not reacting to them. At a later time, you can possibly discuss with them changes that need to be made in the relationship, but none of that should happen in the moment when a narcissist is escalating.
At Mindset Therapy we provide mental health services in Texas and Washington from trained professionals, via telepsychology, which allows you to attend the appointment from the location most convenient for you. Visit Mindset Therapy at https://www.mindsettherapyonline.com/ to learn more about the services offered and make an appointment. Also visit our YouTube page, Mindset Therapy, PLLC, for the Mental Health Minute series that provides quick pieces of information for common mental health issues.