You know that moment when someone makes a “joke” about you, and everyone laughs except you? You speak up and the person tells you to “Relax! It was a joke!” When narcissists use jokes to put you down, it isn’t meant to be humorous and to make you laugh. It is meant to make you feel small. Narcissists use jokes to put you down because it helps them feel better about themselves. 

The humor used by a narcissist is a mask for their cruelty.  They try to disguise their abusive words behind the veil of humor.  Narcissists use jokes as a socially acceptable way to insult, humiliate, or control you because it gives them a cover.  And when you appropriately react negatively to their joke, your response then becomes another way they can make you out to be the problem and maintain their put downs to make you feel unimportant.  They may tease your appearance, intelligence, or feelings but laugh while doing it so they can pretend it is harmless. When you react, they tell you you’re too sensitive. The problem becomes you and your reaction and not them and their abuse. 

Although the narcissist will take any opportunity to put you down, the jokes are meant to be emotional abuse disguised as entertainment.  Their “jokes” are just another way to keep power in their hands.  They like to see you upset because when you suffer, it boosts their ego and helps inflate their ever-deflating narcissistic supply tank. 

The insults disguised as humor are meant to test boundaries.  They want to see what they can get away with and what your reaction will be.  The insults are meant to undermine your confidence, especially when they can make the “jokes” in front of others.  Your negative reaction to something they call a joke makes you look like you don’t have a sense of humor.  And with their “jokes” they rewrite the narrative by making you the problem if you call them out.  The narcissist is always trying to make everyone else the problem and they will do whatever they can to take the focus off them. It’s emotional abuse disguised as entertainment. Their ‘jokes’ are just another way to keep power.

When the narcissist uses jokes to put you down, you are confused and not sure how to react.  You laugh along to keep the peace but inside you feel hurt or embarrassed.  Then, if you confront the narcissist, they will use gaslighting to minimize their actions.  If you confront them, they will tell you that you can’t take a joke, are too sensitive, or are always bringing everyone else down.  Your experience is invalidated through their gaslighting and blame shifting.  Remember, you’re not overreacting — you’re recognizing disrespect.

Although you may want to explain yourself to the narcissist about how you aren’t too sensitive or how you do have a sense of humor, remind yourself the narcissist isn’t trying to understand you and change their behavior because their actions hurt you.  They keep power by how you react.  When you can respond in a way which is short and direct, you can take power from the narcissist.  So, how should you respond to the narcissist’s jokes?

First, you can call it out calmly by saying “That wasn’t funny to me.”

You can also not explain your feelings but observe theirs by saying “I find it interesting that you find that funny.”

And you can set a boundary by saying “No more jokes about me.”

As I mentioned, the narcissist isn’t looking to change their behavior and won’t develop empathy based on how you respond, so don’t get pulled into their baiting game of trying to get an emotional response from you.  They may disrespect your boundary and not follow what you asked for, but don’t get into a back and forth with them.  State your boundary and move onto something else.  Respect isn’t negotiable. 

The next time a narcissist says, ‘It was just a joke,’ remember — real jokes don’t hurt, and respect isn’t optional.