When you finally start setting boundaries with a narcissist, that’s when you really see their true colors. Suddenly, the charm fades, and the manipulation kicks into overdrive. Today, I’m breaking down exactly how narcissists react when you draw the line — and what those reactions really mean. I’ll walk you through the typical stages — from fake confusion to rage to guilt-tripping — so you know what to expect and how to stay grounded.

As I discuss why narcissists get angry when you set boundaries, I will discuss 4 phases they go through.  Each of these phases are meant to protect the narcissist’s fragile ego and while it may feel personal, it is important to remember the narcissist acts to protect themselves with no consideration of others. 

If you set a boundary with the narcissist, the first phase you may see is the narcissist’s initial shock. They may act hurt, shocked, or confused. In typical narcissist fashion, they try to excuse their role in the boundary setting. They say to you, “What? I didn’t even do anything wrong.” or may tell you “You’re overreacting.” Your boundary threatens their sense of superiority and entitlement.  They can’t comprehend someone disrupting their control.   They can’t see themselves as the problem, so they act confused about your boundary.

They will then enter the Pushback Phase. During this phase they will test your limits.  They use guilt trips, sarcasm, or “accidental” boundary violations. They push back because it allows them to remain in control of the situation.  When you set a boundary, you are in control, and they can’t risk losing the upper hand.  During the pushback phase they may say “I thought you trusted me” or “I guess you just don’t care anymore.” This is manipulation disguised as misunderstanding. During this phase, stay consistent. Don’t overexplain or try to justify your boundary.

If push back fails, they will escalate to one of their Narcissist Punishment Tactics of narcissistic rage or the silent treatment.  While the rage and silent treatment look very different, they are both intended to punish you for a wrong the narcissist thinks you have committed against them.  During the rage episode, they may yell “You’re selfish!” or “It is always about you!”.  And during the silent treatment, the narcissist will withdraw attention and affection.  When the narcissist goes silent, you turn the focus on yourself and what you did wrong, which removes the focus from them. 

When the narcissist moves into one of their narcissistic punishment tactics, you know their fragile ego has been wounded. While it is easy to take their actions personally, remember their silence or anger is about control, not truth.

The last phase I will discuss is the phase of Hoovering And The Use Of Manipulative Apologies.  This phase is entered once they feel they’ve lost power.   They will switch from shock, pushback, and punishment, into tactics which lower your defenses to make you think they have changed.  They will start to love bomb or show fake remorse.  The hoovering is the words and actions they use to try to get you back.  The other tactics didn’t work so now they must resort to trying to be nice.  During this phase they may say “I’ve been thinking… maybe we can start fresh.” or “You mean so much to me.”.  Don’t fall for this trap.  The narcissist hasn’t found the wrong in their ways.  They are using manipulation to make you think they care.  This isn’t change, it’s strategy.  They want access to you again after you have set the boundary.

A narcissist’s reaction to your boundary is about control.  They must always be in control and when you set a boundary, you are placing limits on how they can act.  This targets their fragile ego and places them at risk of narcissistic collapse, so they must push back.  Their chaos is proof your boundaries are working.  Don’t give in by trying to explain your boundary or by changing your boundary. The boundary has given you the upper hand and don’t let the narcissist take this from you.