Narcissists put on a good show that they are superior to others, no one can compare to them, and they have special talents that the “average” person would not be able to understand. They want those around them to see them as people with high self-esteem and free of problems. Nevertheless, it is important to understand this is all a show put on by the narcissist. They actually feel insecure and have low self-esteem. To protect against this, they try to convince the world around them they are superior. If they can have people believe they are the things they say they are, then they don’t have to look inward. In today’s blog I am going to discuss shame as a common emotion experienced by narcissists and how narcissists protect against shame.
Narcissists feel powerless so they must control people and their environment to feel in control and powerful. The act they put on is less about them wanting you to see them as superior and grandiose, but more of a protection against you seeing them for what they truly are, which is weak, fragile, and with low self-esteem. If people start to catch onto who they really are, this image they have created will all come crashing down and they will be left with having to face themselves. The narcissist cannot face themselves because of the deep-rooted shame they experience.
Shame is a fundamental feeling of being flawed. This is different from guilt. If you do something wrong and experience guilt, you think “I did something bad”. However, if you experience shame and do something wrong you think “I am bad.” With shame, the focus is on you, and how you are bad and not the action you did. Shame is all-encompassing and brings up feelings of other times you were wrong, bad, or not good enough and these can be painful feelings and thoughts to experience.
Narcissists protect against shame through several different techniques. One way is with blame-shifting. The narcissist doesn’t like the finger to be pointed at them because this requires them to look inward. If you have committed a wrong, small or large, and someone blames you for it, you will look at the situation to determine whether you did play a role in the wrong. You consider the situation, the outcome, and your role in all of it. This requires inward looking and finding possible fault in your actions. To find fault is something the narcissist avoids at all costs because fault brings up feelings of shame and these feelings of shame are too much for the narcissist to work through. So, they turn the blame back onto you. No matter what is happening in their world, they are never to blame, and nothing is their fault. They effectively keep the focus somewhere else by their blame-shifting.
Another way in which narcissists protect against shame is through rage. When the narcissist rages, they activate the other person’s fear response, and this often leads to the other person being unable to think clearly because they are feeling in danger. The narcissist wants their victim to feel out of control and confused because this allows them to feel in control. When the narcissist experiences shame, they want to get rid of the shame feelings as quick as possible and many narcissists have learned that rage will push people away and this turns the focus onto something other than the topic that brought up feelings of shame.
The last way that a narcissist protects against shame that I will go over today is with the silent treatment. The silent treatment is where the narcissist shuts down all communication with the person that has hurt them. If the narcissist suspects you may not see them as superior and grandiose or recognize that they have low self-esteem and are insecure, they will stop communicating with you through the silent treatment. This is yet another way the narcissist returns control to themselves. When they give the silent treatment, they control what topics are discussed. If they don’t like what you are saying, they stop communicating with you and wait until you discuss something else. Because narcissists don’t care about connecting with others, and lack empathy which allows them to understand how their actions affect others, you will never win at the game of silent treatment. A narcissist can stay in the controlling game of the silent treatment as long as they need to in order to get their way.
If you can understand that narcissists are on a constant quest to protect against feeling shame, you can understand why they behave the way they do. This doesn’t excuse their behavior or make it right, but it might help you understand none of their actions are about you or something you did wrong. Everything the narcissist does is to protect themselves from the feelings of shame that are too painful and powerful for them to experience.
At Mindset Therapy we provide mental health services in Texas and Washington from trained professionals, via telepsychology, which allows you to attend the appointment from the location most convenient for you. Visit Mindset Therapy at https://www.mindsettherapyonline.com/ to learn more about the services offered and make an appointment. Also visit our YouTube page, Mindset Therapy, PLLC, for the Mental Health Minute series that provides quick pieces of information for common mental health issues.