Have you ever walked away from an argument with a narcissist feeling like the villain, even though you know you weren’t? Today, I’ll show you exactly how narcissists twist reality to control the narrative, and how you can see through it. 

When I say the “narrative”, what do I mean? The narrative is the story that shapes how events are remembered and who’s seen as “right” or “wrong”.  When you narrate a story, you are telling the story as you remember it happening.  The order of events, who was there, and what the outcome was.   How you remember the story is based on your own biases and experiences, and how you tell the story is influenced by these same factors. 

The narrative is created by the person telling the story and it can be true or imagined.  When it comes to narcissists, the narrative is often modified to fit their agenda and to match up with how they think others should think and act and is rarely based in the reality around them.  The narcissist has a tight control on their narrative because this is how they protect their ego as well as their image.

Due to their fragile ego, they need to protect against any uncertainty in the world around them.  They can’t manage unpredictability so they create a narrative that not only do they follow, but one created for you as well.  

The narcissist controls the narrative through various tactics, and I will discuss 4 today.

Their favorite tactic for controlling the narrative is through gaslighting.  By gaslighting you, they make you doubt your memory or perception.  They say things to invalidate your own experiences such as “That never happened.  You are imagining things.” This causes you to question your own memories and whether things happened as you thought they did.

They will also use projection by accusing you of the very thing they are doing. When the narcissist projects, they are assigning their own thoughts, feelings, or qualities onto someone else.  The narcissist may say “You’re so controlling” while they are the one controlling everything. 

And the narrative doesn’t have to include only the narcissist.  When they feel like they need more help in ensuring their narrative is handled how they want, they will use the smear campaign.  With the smear campaign, they enlist the help of others, called flying monkeys, so they can convince more people of the narrative they want you to believe through the smear campaign.

And when all else fails and their gaslighting, projection, and smear campaign don’t work, they will simply rewrite history. The narcissist’s life is based on a carefully crafted script where everyone else is simply unknowing actors in the story they have created.  If the script they have created for themselves, and others, hasn’t worked in their favor, they simply re-write history.  Remember, the narrative can be true or imaginary, and with the narcissist, it is often made up and based on their own flawed views of themselves and others. 

The narcissist controls the narrative because it is the only way they can survive in a world they feel on the defensive in.  Every person and situation they encounter has the potential to target their fragile ego and trigger shame and potential narcissistic collapse.  The only way to prevent this is with the control of the narrative.  But even if you know their tricks, why does it work?

First and foremost, they carefully choose their target. They choose the person who might be too emotionally drained to fight the narrative. Narcissists are persistent and will wear you down because this is the easiest way for them to get compliance from you.  They will often speak with confidence in this narrative they have created, and this makes their version sound believable.  They are adept at lying to your face even with the evidence in front of them which shows otherwise

If the narcissist is gaslighting and trying to change the narrative, don’t get pulled into their baiting attempt.  They will use word salad and circular conversation to confuse and ensure they control the narrative.  You will leave the interaction more confused and not with additional clarity. 

You don’t need to prove yourself to them.  They aren’t looking for your input on this story of lies they have woven.  The more you say, the more information you give them to use against you at a later date.  You’re not crazy, you’re not overreacting; they are just controlling the story to protect their ego.