Narcissists are often self-centered and look out for themselves and no one else. When they don’t get their way, or think people are onto them, they respond with typical narcissist punishment tactics of silent treatment, rage, and blame-shifting. These all sound like great qualities in a person, right? Of course not! Despite the many negative qualities of narcissists, they still are able to find people to marry. How does a narcissist view marriage and why would a narcissist marry if they are unable to connect to other people and lack empathy and the ability to understand how someone else might feel?
One of the primary reasons a narcissist marries is for convenience. When the narcissist is married, they have ready access to narcisissitic supply. The narcissist supply is how the narcissist copes in a world where they don’t quite fit into. The narcissist might act superior and with high self-esteem; however, they actually feel inferior and have low self-esteem. They want the world to see them as the grandiose and superior person they pretend to be, however, this can rarely come from within the narcissist because the narcissist experiences feelings of inferiority. The narcissist supply is how the narcissist can refill their declining feelings of superiority. The narcissistic supply can be obtained through a partner and when the narcissist is married, the partner is convenient and readily available.
A narcissist might also marry to maintain a certain image. The narcissist views their spouse as an extension of themselves. If the narcissist wants to present themselves to the world in a certain way, they will pick a spouse who can help them with that image. This can be based on looks, wealth, or other qualities the narcissist wants to use to their advantage. The narcissist chooses spouses that will help them meet their end goal.
A narcissist views marriage as something that will benefit them. They will not haphazardly enter into a marriage. Although a marriage might come quickly after dating, the narcissist has thought out what benefit their spouse will provide for them. The narcissist has been on the hunt for a spouse they think will serve their needs best. They have love bombed to test their partner’s reactions to the love bombing, and also withdrawn their love and affection to see if they can continue to control their partner. The narcissist chooses to marry the person they believe they can have the most control over.
This isn’t meant to victim blame and to say the partner or spouse has done anything wrong. The narcissist knows that other people are caring and want to please, so they look for people that have these qualities. The narcissist finds the partner with a big heart and strong desire for forgiveness because that allows them to love bomb and rage over and over again while you, the caring individual, work on improving things. The narcissist’s partner’s constant need for things to be better is what allows the narcissist to have ready access to supply. When the narcissist is feeling inferior and needs to refill their supply, they turn to their spouse who says the right things at the right time in the hopes of things going better.
The narcissist is manipulative and controlling and the issues in the marriage are rarely about their spouse. The narcissist creates problems through blame shifting and controlling tactics so that they can appear as the competent person in the relationship and have ready access to supply. If you are married to a narcissist and doubt your abilities to do anything right or good enough, step back and see it is not about you, but is about the narcissist.
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