In a previous blog I discussed how you can use the grey rock method, or grey rock technique, to get control back in your relationship. In today’s blog, I will discuss specifically the use of the grey rock technique in relationships in which kids are involved. Of course, these techniques can be used in other relationships as well, but the focus today will be in relationships with children because the presence of children can oftentimes make it more difficult to continue the grey rock method, especially when your partner uses the children against you or to get their way.
Let’s start with what the grey rock method is. I will briefly go over the grey rock method in this blog but check out my blog “What is the Gray Rock Technique” for more information. The grey rock method is a way to deflect attention from you during interactions with the narcissist. The narcissist is a master at control and manipulation, and they know exactly what buttons to push to get a reaction out of you. The more reactive you are, the more in control they feel. They like to know what makes you happy, and what makes you upset, because they will use this information to their advantage in the future.
When you use the grey rock technique you place the control back into your hands, by not giving the narcissist what they need most, which is supply. The narcissist thrives off others to refill their narcissistic supply and when they can’t get that needed boost in their ego, then you are back in control.
You use the grey rock method by not showing emotional responses and making yourself as boring as possible. You can do this through non-verbal communication such as head nods, shrugging, and limited eye contact. If you do choose to respond with words, choose responses that are brief and do not provide more information than is needed. If possible, leave the interaction as quickly as possible.
Using the grey rock method is hard enough, but when you add in the presence of children it becomes even harder. You might worry how this apparent cold shoulder to your partner might impact the children and whether it is the best thing for them to see. You would like to eventually go no-contact with your children’s parent, but that is not an option because you must co-parent. When you must continue to interact with the narc, the grey rock method is often the best technique you can use.
When you interact with the narcissist while using the grey rock technique, you want to ensure you don’t provide them any more information than they need. As the parent to your children, the only information they need is on how they are doing in school and other things specific to the children such as their achievements/disappointments, extracurricular activities, and medical issues. The narc may want to know about you, but you owe them nothing. The knowledge they seek on you and your activities are not because they care, but because they want to be involved in your life in a way that they can later use against you. Remember, the narcissist lacks empathy and can’t connect with people at an emotional level. Relationships are superficial and meant to benefit them.
The narcissist enjoys drawing you into an argument because they feel more in control. When the kids are around, this is likely to happen more often because they know that you will defend yourself and your actions when in front of the kids. Don’t get drawn in. If the narcissist has created a reaction in you in front of the kids, this will allow the narcissist to show you as the “crazy” parent and will later use this against you. Don’t give the narc that material to work with.
While your kids might be standing there when the narc is trying to pull you into conversation, you can use the grey rock technique in a polite way that doesn’t give anything extra to the narc. Refusing to engage with the narcissist in their insults and hurtful banter is not seem negatively by the children, even if the narcissist wants you to believe that. As you remain silent and actively work the grey rock method, the narcissist might become more upset and desperate in their attempts to interact with you but let this be a reflection of the narcissist parent and not you. Recognize the narcissist will try to pit the kids against you if you don’t behave as they want you to, and don’t let this lead to you changing your behavior.
You are likely the peace maker in the relationship and often smooth over disagreements as quickly as possible to relieve the tension. You will probably continue to want to do this when things are tense between you and the narcissist when the kids are around. Try to resist this tendency in yourself and focus on the facts only. Stand firm in your desire to grey rock and don’t let the narcissist win. If the narcissist tries to pit the children against you, try to walk away until things have cooled down a little bit.
The grey rock method is meant to prevent situations from escalating with the narcissist, but can actually lead to an escalation is some situations. As you work to set boundaries with the grey rock method the narcissist will push back. This is when it is most crucial for you to stand firm with these new boundaries. However, also be aware of yours and your children’s safety and if you feel as if things are escalating contact a friend or the police as needed.
It is important to recognize that the grey rock method is not meant for the long-term, if possible. The grey rock method breaks down all communication between you and your partner and this is not healthy in the long term for the relationship. If possible, it is best to try to work through communication issues with your partner. However, you have likely already tried to work on communication, and it didn’t work. As you remain in a relationship with a narcissist, even if only through co-parenting, try to use the grey rock method when interaction with the manipulative partner is unavoidable.
The narcissist will try to use the children against you, and it is important to remember this isn’t about you, but how the narcissist can feel the most in control. When you are not reactive to their responses then you can retain control in the relationship and the narcissist must find another way, that doesn’t involve the kids.
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