When you look up information on narcissists, you will likely find a lot of information about the narcissistic partner but little information on other relationships with the narcissist. Today, I want to talk specifically about the narcissistic mother. While it is always hard to leave an abusive relationship, I often hear from people that have a narcissistic mother that they don’t think cutting contact with their mother is an option due to the expectation that they care for and respect their parents. This leads to the person feeling trapped in a relationship that is abusive. While it is difficult to make the decision to cut your mother out of your life, sometimes going no contact with a narcissistic mother is the best choice for you mentally. I will discuss what it means to go no contact and what benefits there are to making this difficult decision.
Let’s start with understanding how narcissists behave in relationships. When you interact with a narcissist, they are only focused on themselves and how things affect them. They are always on the defensive to protect against shame and narcissistic injury. The narcissist wants to have people think they are superior and grandiose, however, this is an act. Internally, they struggle with low self-esteem and fear of being figured out for who they really are. Conversations with the narcissist often feel one-sided, because they are one-sided.
Because the narcissist is always focused on themselves, they operate in a world in which everything revolves around them. They need things to go as they expect them to or else they will get angry and upset. So, the narcissist controls and manipulates everyone and everything around them. Because of their need for control, the narcissist doesn’t like to be told what to do or how to act. This means that even if you express your opinion on how something affects you or you set boundaries with the narcissist, they will push back and blame shift while not taking responsibility for their role in the interaction. Even if you bring up something that is not negative, the narcissist is hypersensitive to criticism and will get upset with anything you say. This makes it difficult to set boundaries with the narcissist.
So, if you can’t set boundaries with the narcissist without them using that as an opportunity to attack you, what options do you have available to you to be able to step away from their abusive behavior?
The best option for you at this point is to go no contact with the narcissist. When you go no contact, this means you avoid any and all contact with the narcissist. You don’t talk to the narcissist through texting or verbally, you don’t meet the narcissist in person, and you block them on all social media. Even if you don’t interact with them on social media, by continuing to allow them access to your information via social media, you are keeping them in your life.
When you go no contact, you also want to ensure triangulation doesn’t happen and allow your friends or family to be the go-between you and the narcissistic mother you are going no contact with. Even if it is your best friend or sibling, if this person starts to relay information about you to your narcissistic mother, they also need to be considered for placement into no contact so you can maintain the no contact with your narcissistic mother.
I have other blogs on no contact that you can also review to get more information but with the no contact the most important thing to remember is to avoid any and all contact with the narcissist. They are masters at manipulation and will use baiting, love bombing, and other techniques to pull you in. The only way to protect yourself is with the no contact.
If you think of going no contact with your mother, it might sound harsh and mean because of the societal expectations that you care for your parents no matter what. However, you need to think of yourself and what is best for you. By creating the separation no contact will provide you with, you will be able to move away from the abuse and process what has happened to you. You will be able to re-gain a sense of self and have a better understanding of your reality and not the reality the narcissist wants you to believe. With a narcissistic mother, you have never had the opportunity to grow into your own person. Your likes, dislikes, opinions, and emotions were all dictated and controlled by the narcissistic mother. Your independence was always controlled by your mother because she couldn’t allow for a child that was an independent thinker.
If you worry about guilt related to going no contact with your narcissistic mother because she is your mother, ask yourself whether you mother even acted like a mother who was caring, thoughtful, and always put you first as you were growing up. If the answer is no, then why treat her like a mother when you were never treated like their child they cared for?