The narcissist cannot take blame for things that have happened because that would require them to view themselves as individuals capable of making mistakes. Their beliefs of superiority and grandiosity would not support the narrative that they could be flawed in some way. Even when they are to blame for something, and the evidence is staring them in the face, they are incapable of accepting blame because this leads to feelings of shame and then narcissistic injury. When the narcissist begins to think that someone will blame them for an action, they go into self-preservation mode and will deflect all blame from themselves and onto someone else. This is where the blame-shifting happens. Today, I will provide examples of narcissist blame shifting with some common blame-shifting phrases. When you can be aware of this tactic used by the narcissist to make the problem about you, you can learn how to not get drawn into their game of manipulation and control.
Because the narcissist cannot accept blame, they will consistently make themselves the victim. When they can be viewed as the victim then the negative focus is off them, and onto the person who allegedly wronged them. The blame shifting is where they deflect the blame onto someone else by making this person the problem.
Blame shifting is similar to gaslighting, so many of the blame shifting phrases could also be considered gaslighting. Both gaslighting and blame shifting are forms of emotional abuse where the narcissist maintains control by using their abusive tactics. By blame-shifting, the narcissist doesn’t have to take responsibility for their actions.
Blame shifting results in victim blaming. This happens most often with a narcissist when you confront them on a lie or try to set boundaries. When the narcissist starts to feel like they are losing control and their image of superiority and grandiosity is at risk, they will blame shift. The issue is no longer about them, but you. When you experience blame shifting in a conversation or argument, you oftentimes lose focus on what the original issue was because the narcissist has done so much switching of issues that you become confused. This is exactly where the narcissist wants you to be. When you are confused, you don’t know what is real or not anymore, and you are more likely to back down.
Here are some examples of blame-shifting phrases so you can be on the lookout for this tactic from the narcissist:
“If you wouldn’t have said that then I wouldn’t have called you names!”
“If you weren’t always nagging me then I wouldn’t have cheated on you!”
“You always do that!”
“You didn’t ask me if I was meeting up with my ex, you asked if I was talking to my ex”
“You never loved me.”
“It is all your fault.”
“You are always screwing things up.”
“If you didn’t always make me angry then I wouldn’t hit you.”
“If you weren’t always asking me questions then I wouldn’t have been distracted and gotten the speeding ticket.”
What you notice with all these examples of blame shifting is it is all about *you* and never about the narcissist. The narcissist behaved in a certain way because of what *you* did. They take no responsibility for their actions and it is all put on you. As an intelligent, caring individual you consider what is said and think about how what you did may have caused the problems. However, it is not about you. While the narcissist may not want to take responsibility for their behaviors, they are, in fact, able to respond in a different way.
Blame shifting shuts down all communication and this can be detrimental to the relationship. When the narcissist blame shifts in the relationship, their partner starts to believe they are the problem. The partner thinks they have to work harder to make the relationship work because they believe that negative things are happening in the relationship because of them.
If the narcissist believes that they have done nothing wrong, and you are 100% the cause of the problem, they don’t think they need to work on anything. As the partner of a narcissist, you are seen as the reason for all of the problems that exist in the relationship and this can be exhausting. There is nothing more that you can do to change the narcissist’s mind. You will always be wrong, no matter what. As long as you can continue to be the person in the wrong, then the narcissist can free themselves of any responsibility and maintain their supply and feelings of grandiosity and superiority.
If you think blame shifting might be happening in your relationship, speak to a friend or professional to try to unravel what is real and what is not. The narcissist will do everything they can to keep you in a place where you believe you are wrong – don’t give them that power and continued control over you!
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