Should you be nice to a narcissist? If you are nice to a narcissist, will they be nice in return to you? Does the narcissist even notice you are being nice to them or are they so self-absorbed that they don’t even notice?
The narcissist can be mean and brutal to people when they don’t get their way. If you have been the recipient of narcissistic abuse or the smear campaign orchestrated by the narcissist, then you wonder what value there is in being nice to them and whether you should be nice. Can you be nicer to them, so they act differently to you in the future? Can you really kill them with niceness, and they change their ways?
Of course, being nice to people is what you should strive for because that is what allows us to connect socially with others. However, being nice to a narcissist isn’t straightforward. Being nice to a narcissist can have some unintended consequences that you should be aware of.
First and foremost, the narcissist will use your kindness against you. They look at your areas of vulnerability so they can use it against you when they need to feel better about themselves. Your kindness is seen as a weakness by the narcissist and is a place of entry for their abusive narcissistic ways. The narcissist looks for empaths who are very much aware of the emotions of those around them. The empath knows when someone isn’t feeling well emotionally, and they try to improve the situation for the person. Narcissists are rarely well emotionally and when there is an empath with the narcissist, the empath focuses on how to make things better in the relationship. This includes being nice but also apologizing even when not at fault to relieve tension felt in situations where the narcissist is raging or giving the silent treatment.
When you are nice to the narcissist, you have your guard down and are more likely to trust them. You will be more likely to believe their love bombing because you are not a narcissist and connect to people through shared emotions. When someone is treating you well, you want to grow the relationship and believe that they think and feel about you as they say they do. The problem is, a narcissist wants you to have your guard down because this is when people are easier to control and manipulate. The narcissist sees your kindness as a weakness. They don’t think about how you can grow together in the relationship or friendship. They start to keep notes on information they can use against you in the future.
The more you share with the narcissist, the more information you are handing to them that they can later use against you as part of the narcissistic punishment tactics and smear campaign. They are excellent watchers and collectors of information. They closely watch you to better control you.
As you consider the information I have provided it seems pretty terrible, right? You are nice to someone and then they use your niceness against you? Yes, it is terrible. But that is the narcissist. They are self-centered and always at risk of narcissistic injury which they must protect against. They need to stay one step ahead of you at all times to prevent exposure for the fraud they are. The narcissist is always on the hunt for people to help refill their narcissistic supply and when you are nice to the narcissist you can easily become their target.
So, is the solution to not be nice to a narcissist? Not necessarily. You just need to be cautious and question whether they are being truly nice in return or are they trying to be nice as a way to assess your vulnerabilities to later use against you. If you find that you still want to be nice to a narcissist while also protecting your own well-being, try the grey rock method. Interact with them but limit what information you provide to them. Be short in your responses while maintaining an environment of friendliness. With the grey rock technique you can control what information the narcissist receives as a way to protect yourself from the narcissist.