The narcissist likes when they can control and manipulate someone else without the other person even knowing. They have to put in less effort to control the person, which allows them time to focus more on themselves. Knowing that the narcissist will choose someone who is easy to manipulate is the first step to beat a narcissist at their own game.
Normally when you think of beating someone at their own game, you think of staying one step ahead of them through calculated moves. You think of what worked before, what didn’t, and what your advantages are at this time. You study that person and learn their strengths and weaknesses so you can use them to your advantage. Finally, you move in and make a move, hoping to be the winner, or at least get the upper hand.
We have all played a version of this “game” with someone in our lives. Be it your sibling, parent, friend, or co-worker, the goal is to have fun in getting what we want, or get back at someone who we are upset with. While the intention of the game is not always well-placed, it none-the-less happens with everyone and is a normal part of healthy competition.
But what about a narcissist? Is it possible to beat them at their own game and gain the upper hand in their game of control and manipulation? It depends on what game you play with them. If you play a game of trying to guess the narcissist’s next move, or outsmart them in what your next move will be, you will likely lose. Every move the narcissist makes is calculated and is often not predictable because the narcissist doesn’t operate in relationships where two people have equal footing. The narcissist works alone and thinks only of themselves. There is no mutual play in their game. They don’t anticipate their next move based on what someone else is doing; it is always about them.
The narcissist is manipulative and has a personality style that allows the manipulation to come easily and flawlessly. They have spent their entire lives playing the game of one-upping everyone around them to ensure they can protect against narcissistic injury. For non-narcissists, not getting what you want can be disappointing and frustrating, but for the narcissist it is a matter of survival. Every opportunity for someone to get an upper hand is an opportunity for their true selves to be exposed and they will protect against this at all costs.
If the narcissist believes they are losing control, they will quickly change their game play to ensure they do not lose. They have many tools to chose from, to include love bombing, rage, silent treatment, and many other tactics that help them achieve their goal of control. The narcissist also lacks empathy and they have nothing to lose by making you upset. They can play their game as long as they need to because they don’t care how you feel. They won’t stop engaging in a behavior because you are upset or because they worry about how you feel. They stop only when they have gotten what they want.
With all of that being said, it sounds like it is not possible to beat a narcissist at their own game. That is only partly true. If you play with a narcissist as you play with others, then you will lose. There is no mutual give and take in the game of control and manipulation with the narcissist.
But it is possible to win against a narcissist. The best way to win is to disengage and give the narcissist nothing to use against you. Go no contact and don’t give into their love bombing or fauxpologies. If you can’t go no contact, then grey rock. When you engage with the narcissist in a way they have designed, they are not only keeping the upper hand, but also getting new information to use against you. They are calculated and actively listen and look for ways to maintain their abusive behaviors. To beat a narcissist at their own game, you need to play a game they aren’t interested in playing and that game is you deciding what information, if any, gets presented to them.