When you are in a relationship with a narcissist, it can be confusing. Things are good one day and terribly wrong the next. There is a roller coaster of emotions in your relationship and you never know what the day will bring. Despite your best efforts to have things go well between you and your narcissistic partner, you always seem to fall short because nothing ever really improves.
To make matters worse, your narcissistic partner always blames you for things not going right and says you are the problem. Everything is turned back onto you and you start to wonder if you are the narcissist. Would things be better in the relationship if you were different and didn’t act the way you did? You accuse your partner of being a narcissist, but they turn it back on you. And you believe it might be true, even if for a brief second. You might ask yourself: Am I really the narcissist? The answer is likely no, and this is just a tactic used by the narcissist to get the attention off of them and onto someone else, such as you.
So, what are some reasons why the narcissist would accuse you of being the problem?
One reason is that the narcissist truly believes they are superior and can do no wrong. This core belief is so strongly held and believed; they cannot think of another option other than it being true. When they encounter information suggesting this might not be true, they cannot accept it. This new information doesn’t fit into their existing belief system and leads to them feeling uncomfortable. When they feel uncomfortable, they will do anything to protect themselves and their belief, including rationalizing and even denying information that is presented to them.
Projection is one way in which narcissists place their own insecurities onto someone else. Projection is when the narcissist attributes their uncomfortable feelings to someone else as a way to not deal with them in themselves. Narcissists have unstable senses of self, which makes it difficult for them to face feelings of uncomfortableness in themselves. To take blame for something, or believe something counter to their core belief, further disrupts their unstable sense of self. This is where they will deflect and defend themselves at the cost of those around them.
When they feel like they are not good enough at something or made a mistake, this leads to feelings of insecurity and re-enforces their low self-esteem. Someone with narcissism wants to avoid these feelings at all costs so they project onto you. They make it seem you are the problem, you are why something didn’t work out, or you are why the relationship will never improve. When they can blame you for everything, then they don’t have to take responsibility for anything. They will continue to point the finger at everyone but themselves.
Another reason why you might start to think you are the narcissist and not your partner is through their use of gaslighting as a way to manipulate your reality. Gaslighting is when someone tries to get you to question your reality, memories, or perception so that they can maintain control over you. If a person questions their own memories, then it is easier to suggest something else happened – and this something else is often what is most convenient for the gaslighter.
As you remain in a relationship with someone who gaslights, you begin to question everything, even the small stuff that wouldn’t otherwise matter. Did you shut the door, turn off the lights, tell the kids good-bye? When even the small things become something you doubt happened in your life, you start to have difficulty just navigating through your own life. You question everything. This is exactly where the gaslighter wants you to live; in a place of constant uncertainty. They can come in and be the voice of reason because they seem to remember the things you forgot, or can help you out of situations where you feel uncertain. The longer the gaslighting goes on, the more uncertain you feel about your life.
It is important to remember the narcissist cannot take blame for things and will always deflect the blame onto someone else. They will use projection, gaslighting, and many other forms of manipulation and control to have you think you are the problem and the narcissist. If you don’t have this same experience in your other relationships, then it is probably not about you! You are not the problem, and the only person who wants you to feel that way is the narcissist themselves.
At Mindset Therapy we provide mental health services in Texas and Washington from trained professionals, via telepsychology, which allows you to attend the appointment from the location most convenient for you. Visit Mindset Therapy at https://www.mindsettherapyonline.com/ to learn more about the services offered and make an appointment. Also visit our YouTube page, Mindset Therapy, PLLC, for the Mental Health Minute series that provides quick pieces of information for common mental health issues.