The narcissist wants you to believe they are happy and have their lives under control.  They do everything they can to present themselves as flawless and the constant problems they come up against are because of everyone else and never them.  But the truth is, the narcissist is insecure and unsure of how to navigate their world.   They are always on the defensive because deep down they know that people don’t view them as flawless and superior.  They will strongly fight against any accusations that they can be the problem, and they do this by blame shifting and never taking responsibility.  The narcissist must use deflection as a way to avoid taking responsibility because to take responsibility would imply they are at fault and the narcissist could never admit fault.  And as the narcissist starts to believe all eyes are on them and they are at risk of being found out as insecure, they will increase their narcissistic punishment tactics as a last-ditch effort to avoid narcissistic injury which arises when they start to lose control.  Today, I will discuss 5 signs a narcissist is losing control so you can be aware of what to look out for in the narcissist who might be on the verge of narcissistic collapse. 

Narcissists are controlling. This can be overt control, which can be seen by everyone around them, or more covert control which is harder to recognize.  They need to have tight control of their world because this is how they can control the loss of their narcissistic supply, which is their one and only recourse to manage a world which they think is always out to get them.  The narcissist supply is a sort of buffer which they can use to help boost their fragile ego and stabilize an otherwise unstable sense of self. 

But while narcissists project an image of strength, they quickly become vulnerable when their control weakens.  It is important to know when the narcissist is losing control so that you can protect yourself from the worsening of their narcissistic punishment tactics for which you will be a direct target of.  

Let’s review 5 signs a narcissist is losing control. 

First, a narcissist who is losing control will demonstrate increased irritability and anger. They will become more easily upset and show even less patience than they normally do.  They will start to push people away because they need to regain control.  In order to regain control, they will need as little interference as possible from those around them.  They are also irritable due to increased awareness that they could be found out as flawed and this activates feelings of shame, and the anger is masking the feelings of shame.  As their internal feelings of irritability and anger increase, the narcissist will implement their narcissistic rage. 

As the narcissist sets the narrative that they aren’t the problem into full swing, they will use projection and blame shifting.  The narcissist needs to push people away as quickly as possible to avoid conversations in which they can be seen as the person in the wrong.  They will use the projection to place their own insecurities onto you.  Projection would look like the narcissist telling you that you are always wrong, no one likes you, or you are the cause of all the problems. These are thoughts the narcissist has about themselves, but their fragile ego can’t handle those thoughts, so they project those thoughts onto others to make the other person the problem. Blame shifting from the narcissist is where they take a specific problem and tell you that you are the cause of the problem.  Projection and blame shifting are similar in that they both include the narcissist not taking responsibility for something because they don’t have the internal resources to deal with accountability. 

As the narcissist feels more and more out of control, they will increase their use of baiting techniques.  They will pick at you and start small fights with you so that a bigger fight can develop.  The narcissist is trying to regain control and not have to look inward at their own flaws, so they target you by baiting.  They will say things they know will upset you and act in a way which is dismissive and overall unacceptable.  If they can use small tactics to upset you long enough, you will understandably lash out.  This is exactly what the narcissist wants.  If you are louder than the narcissist in your actions and complaints, they can more easily make you the problem. 

 All of this work by the narcissist of picking fights, deflecting blame, and raging can be tiring to them.   Narcissists are lazy and they don’t want to have to work harder than they need to.  This is why they will implement the help of others when it benefits them.  As the narcissist loses more and more control, they may start to engage in the smear campaign.  The smear campaign is when they enlist others to help them spread their narrative about you.  The more people they can find to say the same thing about you as they do, the easier it is for people to believe what they are saying.  Remember, the narcissist can be charming even when they are losing control, and this charm can help them recruit the people to assist them in their smear campaign.

And the final sign the narcissist is losing control is the discard.  If the narcissist has discarded you, they are indirectly telling you that they can’t have you in their life any longer because they cannot figure out how to make you work in their life.  The narcissist has likely already used the rage, blame shifting, baiting, and smear campaign as a way to regain control. However, if none of those are working for the narcissist their only option left is to discard you so that you no longer can influence the script they are trying to rewrite for their life after the loss of control.  The discard will oftentimes happen as their narcissistic supply reserves are running low and they need to take drastic measures in their lives.  By discarding you, they have more control over their own lives.  

A narcissist is always on the verge of losing control and this is why they are so good at activating the 5 techniques I have discussed.   In fact, the narcissist is always using one of those techniques to some degree because those tactics are their only way of managing the world.  But as they start to spiral out of control and fear narcissistic collapse, they will more fervently use the techniques and will do anything to make themselves feel better, even if it destroys others in the process.