A narcissist can treat you badly for months, or even years, and then suddenly become the person you always wanted them to be. They’re more attentive. They’re listening. The criticism stops. Maybe they even apologize, become affectionate again, or start doing the things you’ve been asking them to do all along.

And naturally, you start wondering: What changed?

Did they finally understand how much they were hurting you? Or is this proof that the relationship really can get better?

Sometimes people do change. But when you’re dealing with someone who has a longstanding pattern of narcissistic behavior, there’s another question that may tell you much more:

What happened right before they started treating you better?

Because sometimes their behavior doesn’t change because they suddenly developed more empathy.

It changes because something changed in you.

Maybe you stopped arguing. You stopped chasing them after the silent treatment. You became less emotionally reactive. You started spending more time with friends, became more independent, or finally said, “I can’t keep doing this.”

And suddenly, the person who seemed completely uninterested in your needs becomes very interested in keeping you close.

So why would changing your behavior suddenly change theirs?

Because narcissistic relationships often develop predictable patterns. They criticize, and you defend yourself. They withdraw, and you try to reconnect. They become angry, and you try to calm things down. They threaten the relationship, and you reassure them that you aren’t leaving.

Over time, those patterns can give the narcissistic person a tremendous amount of control over your attention and behavior. But eventually, you may stop participating in those patterns. And when your response changes, they may realize something important: The relationship isn’t working the way it used to.

That can create a sudden shift in their behavior. Instead of criticizing you, they compliment you. Instead of withdrawing, they pursue you. Instead of telling you everything that’s wrong with you, they suddenly remind you of everything they supposedly love about you. And that change can feel incredibly convincing because you want so much for it to be real this time. After all, it looks exactly like the change you’ve been asking for.

Imagine you’ve spent years asking your partner to stop criticizing you. Every time you bring it up, they tell you that you’re too sensitive, so you eventually stop trying to convince them.

You start spending more time doing things without them. You stop reacting to every criticism. And for the first time, you seriously begin thinking about whether you want to stay in the relationship. Then something happens.  All of a sudden they appear to become nicer. They start asking about your day. They plan a date. They tell you how important you are to them. And you think, This is what I wanted. Maybe they finally understand.

But notice what happened. You had been explaining the problem for years. Their behavior didn’t change when you explained how much you were hurting. It changed when your availability to them changed. And that difference can tell you a lot about what actually caused the change.

One of the most important things to avoid at this point is assuming that improved behavior automatically means the underlying pattern has changed. It may have. But lasting change usually requires more than temporarily treating you better. It requires accountability.

Can they acknowledge what they did without blaming you? Can they tolerate hearing how their behavior affected you? Do they respect your boundaries even when those boundaries inconvenience them? And most importantly, does the change continue after they feel secure in the relationship again?

Because if the kindness disappears as soon as you reconnect, forgive them, or become emotionally available again, you may not be seeing lasting change. You may be seeing an attempt to restore the previous dynamic.

This is why you don’t have to immediately decide whether their new behavior is genuine. You can simply observe it. Don’t judge the change by how intense it is. Judge it by how consistent it is. And pay particular attention to what happens when you continue doing the things that disrupted the old pattern.

You maintain the boundary. You don’t immediately respond. You stop overexplaining. And you stop providing the reassurance, attention, emotional reaction, or control they had become accustomed to receiving. Because that is often when you discover what the sudden change was really about.

And in the next blog, I’m going to explain what happens when you stop giving a narcissist what they want, because their response can tell you far more than the temporary kindness ever will.