A narcissist may become accustomed to getting a predictable response from you. They criticize you, and you defend yourself. They pull away, and you chase them. They become angry, and you try to calm them down. They accuse you of not caring, and you start proving how much you do.

But what happens when those things suddenly stop working?

They criticize you…and you don’t defend yourself.

They give you the silent treatment…and you go about your day.

They try to make you feel guilty…and instead of explaining yourself for twenty minutes, you simply say, “I’ve already made my decision.”

Now they have a problem.

Because you’ve stopped giving them something they may have come to expect from you. And I’m not talking about money, favors, or anything tangible. I’m talking about your attention, reassurance, emotional reactions, explanations, and sometimes, your willingness to give in just to keep the peace.

Whether you realized it or not, your response may have been helping keep the pattern alive.

And when that response changes, the narcissist may start trying to figure out what will still work.

Sometimes that means trying harder. Sometimes it means trying something completely different. And sometimes, they may suddenly become much nicer.

But all of those reactions can tell you something important about what the relationship was actually built on.

Imagine that every Sunday you visit your narcissistic mother. If you say you can’t come, she tells you how lonely she is, reminds you of everything she has done for you, and says, “I guess I know where I stand now.”

Normally, you feel guilty, change your plans, and go. But this Sunday you say, “I’m sorry you’re disappointed, but I won’t be coming over.” She brings up everything she has sacrificed for you. You still don’t change your answer. Then she gets angry. You still don’t change it.

The next morning, you receive an unusually affectionate message telling you how much she loves you and asking whether you want to have lunch. It can feel confusing because the behavior keeps changing.

But the goal may not have changed at all. She is looking for the response that still works.

This is why you may see a narcissistic person cycle through guilt, anger, affection, withdrawal, criticism, or even apologies when you change your behavior. Your boundaries may suddenly become the problem. They tell you you’re selfish, you’ve changed, you’re cold, you’re difficult, or you only care about yourself.

But notice what is actually happening. You aren’t necessarily doing something to them. You may simply be refusing to continue doing something for them. And if someone has benefited from you giving in, stronger boundaries can feel like mistreatment to them.

That doesn’t mean the boundary is wrong. It means the relationship may have been organized around the expectation that eventually you would give in.

This is where things can get especially confusing. Sometimes when the old tactics stop working, the narcissistic person becomes nicer. They listen, become affectionate, apologize, or suddenly start doing things you’ve asked them to do for years.

And you may think, maybe they finally understand. That’s possible because people can change, but don’t evaluate change based only on how someone behaves when they are afraid of losing something.

Look at what happens when they hear “no,” when you disagree, or when you make a decision they don’t like. Real change doesn’t require you to surrender your boundaries for the good behavior to continue.

And this may be the most important part. You start learning what the relationship was actually built on.

If you stop over-explaining, can you still have a conversation? If you stop apologizing for things you didn’t do, can conflict actually be resolved? If you stop chasing them when they withdraw, do they come back and communicate? If you stop managing their emotions, can they manage their own?

A healthy relationship can tolerate another person having boundaries, independence, and a different point of view. A controlling relationship often cannot.

And eventually, the narcissist may start recognizing that this isn’t just a temporary change. You aren’t simply angry or trying to teach them a lesson. And you aren’t waiting for them to say the right thing so everything can go back to normal.

You may actually be done participating in the pattern.

And that realization can change their behavior again.

In the next blog, I’m going to talk about the moment a narcissist realizes you’re really done, and what often happens next.