When you interact with a narcissist, you quickly learn that everything is about them. All roads lead back to the narcissist. They present information in a way where they are the primary reason for success but are also adept at pointing the finger at others when things don’t go as planned. They know what to say and do to accept the accolades while running away from the criticisms. One place where narcissists can manipulate reality is with their selective memory. They choose to remember some things, while seemingly forgetting something else that happened. Do narcissists truly have memory problems, or is their selective memory another way in which they control and manipulate those around them?
While memory problems can occur in anyone, and for a variety of reasons, there is no research to suggest narcissists are more likely to have true memory problems. The memory problems the narcissist feigns are a result of their focus on manipulating their environment to support their false beliefs about the world around them.
The narcissist seems to remember every time you wronged them and made them upset but can’t seem to remember what is important to you or plans they made with you. If you step back and look at what the narcissist remembers and what they forget, you will see their memory is in fact selective. They will remember and forget things when it is most convenient for them, and what will help them obtain what they want, without consideration of others.
Above all else, narcissists like to appear in control, because internally they are out of control. They lack object constancy and have deep rooted feelings of shame they must continuously protect against to ensure they don’t enter into narcissistic rage. The way narcissists remain in control is by manipulating their environment in their favor. This is why the narcissist appears to have selective memory. They appear to remember some things and forget others. Everything they choose to remember and forget has been placed up against their agenda and is chosen according to what they need in that moment.
The selective memory also keeps you guessing on what comes next and contributes to the narcissist crazy-making. The narcissist uses their selective memory to gaslight you. Their forgetting is twisted into how you didn’t remember something. They blame shift to take the focus off of them and onto you. You question what is real and what is not real. You know what was said, but they are so certain it didn’t happen that way, so you question your own reality. This is exactly where they want you to be. Through blame shifting you can now become the problem. The narcissist may or may not have remembered something, but all that matters now is that they ensure you feel like the one in the wrong so that their faults aren’t exposed.
The narcissists blame shift largely due to their fragile senses of self. They want the world to see them as superior and flawless. When there is a situation that arises where their true inner selves are exposed, this is too much for them to handle so they will blame-shift. They will ensure they are not seen as the problem, at all costs.
Regardless of the narcissist’s attempts to act as if something didn’t happen or you never told them what was important to you, they often do remember but if they truly don’t remember, they are incapable of accepting blame so will make it about you. Either way, you will lose in the end because the narcissist is focused only on how things affect them and not the effect something has on others. They are focused on what they want and need now and not what promises they have made in the past. If you didn’t doubt your own memories before the narcissist, don’t let them make you doubt your memories now. The narcissist wants to make you insecure and question yourself as just another way for them to feel in control.
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