Your happiness doesn’t matter to a narcissist. That might be hard to hear, but it is true. Whether or not you are happy has no influence on the narcissist’s thoughts of you and the relationship. When a non-narcissist is in a relationship with someone, they want the other person to be happy because it makes them believe they are a good friend, parent, child, or partner. We aim to please others and to be a positive part of their life. When we notice they aren’t happy, we assess the situation to see if there is anything we can change to help the other person feel happy. However, for the narcissist, none of this insight and awareness of the other person is happening the same way. The narcissist may notice the other person isn’t happy, but they don’t consider what role they could be playing in the person’s unhappiness. The narcissist sees your unhappiness as an inconvenience for them and not something they need to address for you. Today, I will discuss why your happiness doesn’t matter to the narcissist.
To understand why the narcissist has no concern for your happiness, you must remember that the narcissist lacks empathy. When someone lacks empathy, they cannot relate to the experiences of others at an emotional level. They may appear distant, uninterested, and even uncaring in the experiences of others. The world revolves around them and how they are feeling at that specific moment. They can’t understand that how you are feeling can be different from them. They also can’t place themselves in your shoes and understand why you might be sad you lost your job or scared of a new child in the family. They only think in the context of themselves.
It is important to note that someone who lacks empathy doesn’t lack emotion. Those who lack empathy can experience emotions in themselves, they just cannot take on and understand the emotional experiences of someone else.
When someone lacks empathy, they have a hard time building meaningful relationships because this creates divides within their relationships. To build a connection with someone requires the ability to experience and understand their emotions.
And this brings us back to the narcissist and their lack of concern for your happiness. The narcissist can’t share in your happiness with you. They can’t relate to you when you are happy if they aren’t happy at that moment as well. They cannot take on the emotions of someone else. For this reason, the narcissist doesn’t behave in a way which is meant to make you feel happier in your life.
And because your happiness doesn’t have a positive impact on the narcissist, they are quick to deflate your happiness. They can dim someone’s light quickly and you are left wondering what just happened.
The narcissist can see you are happy, they know what happiness looks like. However, they don’t know how to inquire about your positive emotions and build connections in that moment. In fact, the opposite often happens. The narcissist is always inward focused, and everything must be about them. If they are unhappy in their own life, then they expect others to also be unhappy. They don’t want to see someone happy if they aren’t feeling happiness themselves. The narcissist is self-centered and everything is interpreted in the context of their own experiences.
So, not only does the narcissist not care if you are happy, but they will also go out of their way to ensure that your happiness doesn’t last if they don’t feel the same way as you. As you can expect, this is damaging to the relationship with the narcissist. As positive things happen around you, the narcissist will ensure that you aren’t focused on the positive thing. You should always be focused on them and no one else. You then learn over time to hide your happiness and to hide your positive experiences because you know the narcissist will crush your happiness or at least not share in the experience with you. This results in you feeling alone and isolated.
While it is natural to want someone you care about to feel happy with you and for you, this isn’t possible with the narcissist. Try to focus less on what you are doing wrong and what you can do to improve the situation. Rather, go do something you truly enjoy and surround yourself with people who are happy for you.