As 2020 has come to an end, many people have mentioned how they are happy to be done with a very tough and unpredictable year. They are hopeful 2021 brings change, and focus on the positives they hope can happen. However, one person’s hope can sometimes be invalidating to another person’s reality. The end of one year doesn’t mean your struggles will disappear as the calendar flips over to a new year. It is hard to remember this when people around you are discussing all the positives they see in the coming year.
I want to remind you that you don’t always have to be ok! To struggle or even just be apprehensive is normal and not something for you to push against. It is ok to not be ok.
Society has this expectation that people present as happy and don’t acknowledge the struggles they have. The standard question “how are you today?” is expected to be followed with “fine” or “good”. To say anything else leads to the other person deciding to either ignore you as they walk away or stop to discuss with you what is going on. This is often an active decision they have to make on how it will affect them, versus how they can help you.
It is ok to not be ok and it is ok to tell people you are not ok. That is not a sign of weakness or even attention seeking.
Variations in mood is normal. If you didn’t have a range of emotions, that would be concerning. However, when toxic positivity is so rampant in society, it is hard to believe that it is ok to not be ok. Toxic positivity is the expectation that despite something negative happening and the presence of negative emotions, someone should stay positive. This is invalidating to your own experiences because it requires you to not only lie to others, but also lie to yourself about how you feel.
For some, it is easy to pretend like everything is ok and you are doing well. However, the longer you do this, the harder it becomes. It is exhausting. When it is hard enough to just get out of bed in the morning, now you have to put on a happy face when you do come out of your room or house.
As you go into this new year, don’t make goals or develop expectations based on what those around you are doing. Make goals for yourself. If a goal is to just make it through one day without crying, then own that goal! You are the one who is working on the goal so make it something applicable to your life and the changes you want to make. In fact, you don’t even have to make a goal this year. Choosing to live day-to-day with no expectation it be towards a defined end goal is also ok.
When those around you don’t support the decisions you have made, you don’t need to change how you feel. Those around you need to change how they interact with you. It is impossible to try to please everyone you encounter and to do what you think they want you to do. The more people you try to make happy, the less happy you actually become.
For this new year, focus on being you and making changes you want to make. And while you face the coming year, remember it is ok to not be ok. You don’t always have to be ok, or present yourself as doing ok. Make it through today and then check in with yourself on what your next step forward will be. It’s easy to compare yourself to others, but remember only you know your struggles and comparison rarely does anything positive for you.
At Mindset Therapy we provide mental health services in Texas and Washington from trained professionals, via telepsychology, which allows you to attend the appointment from the location most convenient for you. Visit Mindset Therapy at https://www.mindsettherapyonline.com/ to learn more about the services offered and make an appointment. Also visit our YouTube page, Mindset Therapy, PLLC, for the Mental Health Minute series that provides quick pieces of information for common mental health issues.