Have you made the narcissist mad AGAIN? Does it seem like no matter what you do, it makes the narcissist mad? If you feel like the narcissist is always mad, and oftentimes for reasons you don’t even know about, you are correct. The narcissist lives in a place of anger. They have unstable senses of self and any changes in their world are seen as personal attacks on them, so they get mad. We know narcissists are always mad, but what makes a narcissist mad specifically?
As we discuss things that can make a narcissist mad, keep in mind the emotion of anger is on a continuum. I will use the words mad and angry for ease of conversation, but this emotion can run from low-level irritation all the way up to rage. The severity of the anger is dependent on many factors, but primarily on how much supply the narcissist has left to help them deal with the world, as well as how much they think they need to control and manipulate the situation. The narcissist may lash out in rage today for something that seems like a small slight, and then show only irritation another day for something you may think is big. The narcissist is unpredictable in their actions, and you never really know what response you will receive. This is why it always seems the narcissist is mad: anything at any time can make them mad so there isn’t a real pattern to their responses.
As with most people, the narcissist will become mad when their boundaries are violated. This sounds like a normal, and valid reason to get mad. However, for the narcissist, the boundary is defined within the parameters of the narcissist’s own way of thinking about the world. The narcissist thinks they are entitled to have every need met and if you don’t meet this need by breaking a boundary, they will ensure you know the wrong you committed. With the entitlement, they aren’t considering it from the perspective of anyone other than themselves. They think something should happen a certain way and if it doesn’t, they become mad. The problem also becomes that the boundaries aren’t clearly defined. They are permeable and ever changing and you never know where the boundary lies. Remember, the narcissist only thinks of themselves, and they don’t think of informing others of the boundaries they are holding so strictly to. They feel entitled and think everyone should think like them and behave like them.
Along the lines of feeling entitled, the narcissist expects others to praise them because they believe that they are to be admired. So, if someone does anything other than praise, this can make them mad. If you say something to them that could in any way be seen as a negative or an attack on them as a person, they will respond with anger. The narcissist expects to be treated differently from everyone else and they are not someone who can see themselves as making mistakes, or not seen as the superior person they are. If you don’t provide them with special treatment, they get mad.
The narcissist must maintain an image that they are better than everyone else. If they suspect at all that you, or someone else, could see them as flawed, they will get angry. Anger is a defense mechanism meant to push people away, and to control. The anger pushes people away so that they can no longer negatively impact the narcissist. The narcissist’s unstable sense of self doesn’t allow them to be able to handle even minor issues they encounter in their life. Everything has the potential to become a catastrophic event for the narcissist, so they will often respond as if something major has happened to them as a way to protect themselves from any further attacks on their already fragile sense of self.
The narcissist is their most fragile when they don’t have a large source of supply in their reserves. And at their most fragile, they are their most vulnerable, and vulnerability is something they have zero coping skills to be able to manage. You also never know when the narcissist is running low on supply because they are terrible communicators. So, you are left to guess, and ride the roller coaster of the narcissist as they drag you along on their crazy-making. When you can accept the narcissist lives in a place of anger then you can work on recognizing the anger outburst of the day is because of their own issues and insecurities and has nothing to do with you.