When you have a narcissist in your life, you constantly feel like nothing you do is good enough, or right. You think you are doing what they ask of you, but quickly learn that you are again wrong, and to blame for the negative outcome. Everything truly is your fault in the eyes of the narcissist. The narcissist can be a partner, parent, friend, co-worker, or boss. The narcissist can be anyone in your life and the effect is even greater when there is the potential for an uneven power dynamic.
As I have discussed in multiple blogs, narcissists thrive on control and manipulation. This is how they keep the upper hand and maintain control. While it may feel as if their controlling tactics are about you, it is really about them. The narcissist has deep rooted shame they don’t know how to effectively handle when they feel this powerful emotion. The narcissist has an unstable sense of self and must protect from the truth that they are not grandiose and superior as they want other people to believe. To experience shame would bring about narcissistic injury and then narcissistic rage. The narcissist must protect against this at all costs. So, their control and manipulation are really about them, and used as a way to protect from narcisissitic injury.
To protect against the shame and narcissistic injury, the narcissist has several different ways in which they can control, and trap you into their game of control and manipulation. Traps narcissists set allows them to maintain the upper hand at all times. If they can lead you into the trap they have set to make you feel worthless and not good enough, then they can twist this back onto you and make you feel like you are the problem, and not them. This is where the manipulation happens and how the narcissist maintains the upper hand. If you think you are at fault for a poor behavior or outcome, it takes the focus off the narcissist and onto you. The narcissist may act like they want attention on themselves, but they actually prefer the spotlight on someone else so that you can’t see who they truly are.
One trap the narcissist sets is with double-bind communication. Double bind communication is a dilemma in communication where someone receives two or more conflicting pieces of information, where one piece of information negates the other. The issue is the person cannot resolve the dilemma that is presented because either choice they make will be wrong due to the conflicting pieces of information. The double bind communication is a form of control that lacks any significant coercion. The dilemma is that you, as the recipient of the conflicting information, must make a choice in your response. It seems the choice is in your hands; however, you have been placed into a no-win situation.
Let’s look at some examples of double bind communication you might encounter with a narcissist.
Narcissist: “You are always on your phone when I get home and don’t get up to hug me when I come in the house.” As a well-meaning individual, you heard their concern and want to give the narcissist what they are looking for, so the next day when they come home you make sure to put down your phone to greet them. However, when you go to hug them, they push you away and say “You are only hugging me because I asked you to. You don’t mean it.” The narcissist has placed you into a no-win situation with conflicting pieces of information. On one hand they complain that you don’t hug them when they come home, but on the other hand, when you do this they tell you that you are wrong in your actions. Either choice you make upsets the narcissist.
Narcissist: “If you valued your job, you would show that by putting in more than the required hours at work.” You do value your job, so you start to work more hours by coming in earlier and staying later. You want the narcissist to see that you make your job the priority. However, after several months of doing this, the narcissist responds with “Why are you always at work? You need to spend time with your family and not always focused on work.” You have been placed into a no-win situation. If you don’t work a certain number of hours it appears as if you don’t value your job, but if you work more than the required hours you are told you aren’t focused on your family.
Narcissist: “Don’t you care about me?” This question implies that you don’t care about the narcissist. To respond with anything suggests that the initial statement was true. You are trapped because a response, either positive or negative, implies the initial question is something you thought since you are responding to the statement.
The double-bind situation is difficult to overcome because there is no “right” answer. No matter what choice you make, you are in the wrong. This is exactly where the narcissist wants you to be. So, why does double-bind communication happen? Put simply, to keep you guessing. When you are uncertain of your reality and what decisions to make, the narcissist can keep control because you feel like you are out of control in what is right and what is wrong. Double-binds are coercive and difficult to spot because, on the surface, they appear to be simple expectations or questions. However, if you feel like nothing you do is good enough or right, ask yourself do you really have a choice in how you respond or will the narcissist tell you that you are wrong no matter what? If you are always wrong, then you have likely been placed into a double-bind situation.
At Mindset Therapy we provide mental health services in Texas and Washington from trained professionals, via telepsychology, which allows you to attend the appointment from the location most convenient for you. Visit Mindset Therapy at https://www.mindsettherapyonline.com/ to learn more about the services offered and make an appointment. Also visit our YouTube page, Mindset Therapy, PLLC, for the Mental Health Minute series that provides quick pieces of information for common mental health issues.