The narcissist abuse feels personal, but it isn’t. Their harsh and abusive words feel like they are targeting you specifically, but they aren’t. That might be hard to understand and agree with, but it really isn’t about you. Sure, the words from the narcissist are about you and your insecurities, but the abuse isn’t about you as a person. The narcissist who is emotionally abusive has been carefully watching everything about you, so they know what makes you the most upset. When the narcissist then needs to inflate their narcissist supply, they know exactly what to say to you to hurt you, which makes them feel better about themselves. While the words are very much about you, it is really about the narcissist and their own insecurities. Today, I will discuss why it feels personal when the narcissist attacks you, but it really isn’t about you.
When the narcissist name calls, belittles, withholds affection, rages, or gives you the silent treatment, these are all parts of emotional abuse they are engaging in. When an abuser engages in emotional abuse, it is meant to isolate the other person, scare them, and ultimately control. Abusers engage in abusive tactics because they need to control the people around them. And emotional abuse is effective in controlling someone because it activates your emotions and when your emotions are activated, it becomes more difficult to think logically, which makes you easier to control. The abuser wants you to feel confused and uncertain because it is harder to think clearly when you are confused. The abuser will target your insecurities to make you feel unhappy, they will withhold affection and give you the silent treatment to make you feel unseen, and they will rage to silence you. Every tactic used by the emotional abuser is meant to make them feel more in control of a situation they feel out of control in.
So, as you can see, the abuse is done to make the abuser feel better about themselves. It isn’t about you or what you did or didn’t do. It is about the abuser and what they need. You are the recipient because you are the easy target at that time.
If you are out in public and a stranger yells at you and calls you names, you are unlikely to take this personally. You think that person is unstable, and you otherwise brush off their actions as being about them and their own issues. The stranger who was yelling at you and calling you names didn’t target you, per se. Rather, you just happened to be there at the time of their outburst, and you were the recipient of the abuse.
This is how you should also think of your partner, parent, sibling, or any other person you are close to in your life who has been abusive. You are merely in their sights and become the person they are targeting. The difference between them and a stranger is the person you are close to knows your insecurities and knows how to be the most brutal in their attack. They know what to say to make you feel the most insecure, or what action to do to make you feel the most confused. They know you well, and part of knowing you well is knowing how to attack you in a way which hurts the most.
When the narcissist, or any emotionally abusive person, is abusive, it feels personal because they make it personal. But you must remember it isn’t about you. It isn’t because you did something wrong, you aren’t good enough, or you need to change. The narcissist is being abusive because of their own insecurities and their own waning narcissist supply. The narcissist is always on the defensive against narcissistic injury. And the best way to protect themselves against a possible narcissistic injury is to attack first. The narcissist is an expert at attacking others, which means they get better at this skill of theirs.
The narcissist wants you to take it personally because it gives them the upper hand as you become defensive, or go silent, because of the emotional pain you are experiencing. Don’t provide extra fuel to their abusive ways. Even if the narcissist says the exact thing you believe about yourself and hurts you the most, step back from the interaction and remind yourself that the narcissist is abusive, and they need to put you down because they are feeling bad about themselves. There is no other reason than it being about them and not you. Once you can start believing that, then you will be able to stop taking the narcissist bait and being an active participant in their abuse. Nothing makes the narcissist happier than knowing they can control your emotions. Take the control away from the narcissist and stop believing the hurtful things they say or do to you. It really isn’t about you.