The narcissist is mean, demanding, and controlling. Sure, they can have periods of being nice and helpful, but this is only when it benefits them. They may be nice to you because they are setting you up for being controlled, or to ask something of you in the future. When the narcissist is nice to you, you feel happy and valued. But then a switch flips in the narcissist and they enact their narcissistic punishment tactics making you want to say f-u to the narcissist! In fact, the thought of “how dare they treat me that way” likely often pops into your mind. Why are narcissists so easy to be frustrated with?
When you want to tell a narcissist F-U, those two letters are a good way to remember two aspects of narcissists that define who they are, Future faking and Unstable sense of sense. These two traits of the narcissist are two main reasons why people who must interact with the narcissist are always feeling frustrated and invalidated.
Let’s start with the F, which is for Future Faking. The narcissist is an expert at presenting a false future as a way to draw people into their manipulation and control. The narcissist will future fake to increase a trauma bond that makes it harder for you to leave the relationship.
The narcissist needs to keep you in their control and easily manipulated. The narcissist is acutely aware of your likes and dislikes and will collect this information to use when they need to. When their narcissist supply is running low, they will focus on your dislikes and point out your flaws so that they can feel better about themselves. If they think you are pulling away and they want to keep you close, they use love bombing by providing you with hope for your future. The narcissist will future fake to promise something in the future as a way to get what they want right now.
While being promised something in the future that you like might sound like a good thing, with future faking the narcissist has no intention of ever following through with their promises. They aren’t agreeing to something to make you happy and fulfill your dreams; they promise things because that promise benefits them in the moment. They have no intention of following through, which means that they are manipulating and lying to you. If you bring up their absence of follow through, they will make up excuses as to why they haven’t done the promised task and continue to future fake.
The future faking is easy to believe because the narcissist promises things that are important to you. These are not only things you would enjoy, but you also feel like the narcissist has listened to you and understands your wants and desires. It helps you feel more connected to the narcissist and the narcissist knows this. Hope is powerful and keeps you focused on the future promised. You keep hoping for the promised thing but eventually start to realize it will likely never happen and this is disappointing.
The future fake is frustrating because you finally think the narcissist cares about you and listens, but yet again they have shown their true colors and took something away from you that allows you to feel hopeful that things can be better.
Now let’s talk about the U, which is Unstable sense of self. A sense of self is how you perceive characteristics that define you. This would include your likes, dislikes, interests, what you view as right and wrong, and your personality. When you have a strong sense of self, you know what each of those things are and move through life with recognition of those characteristics. They do not need to stay permanent, however, and can change over time. However, when one aspect of your sense of self changes, this doesn’t negatively impact all other components of yourself. And while your characteristics can change over time, they remain somewhat stable and do not change in response to small changes in your environment.
An unstable sense of self, or unstable sense of identity, is when someone is unsure how they think about or perceive themselves. Individuals with narcissistic personality traits struggle with issues of identity. This is not the same as not knowing what direction you want to go in life such as relationships or career. This is a deeper sense of not knowing who you are. The narcissists’ sense of self is unstable because it is easily influenced by outside factors and small changes in their environment can leave them feeling uneasy and unsure how to function. They lack a strong sense of self so any changes around them can lead to feelings of insecurity and they do not know how to respond to this.
So, if the narcissist is always unsure of who they are, then they can’t be a predictable and reliable source in your life. Their constant changing wants and needs impact you. And this is frustrating. They love you, then hate you, tell you things they enjoy, and then get mad at you when that is no longer true but you think it is. They expect you to read their mind and to think like them. The narcissist is always responding to their internal thoughts and emotions and expects others to know what they are thinking and feeling because they are inwardly focused and unable to take the perspective of someone else.
The back and forth with the narcissist is exhausting, infuriating, and just plain annoying. So, the next time you want to say F-U to the narcissist, remember they want you to be frustrated and angry with them because it makes them feel better about themselves. Don’t give away your power to the narcissist when they already take so much from you.