If you have ever interacted with a narcissist, you have seen they know exactly what buttons to push to get you upset. They can quickly spit out harsh, belittling statements as if they have been at the ready waiting to say those things that will hurt you the most. However, they never seem to be able to figure out supportive statements when you need to hear them. It is as if narcissists know what buttons to push to make you the most upset while being oblivious to any support you need from them.
When you try to engage with a narcissist and tell them about positive and exciting things in your life, they seem to be distant and uninterested. They can turn the conversation to themselves and with ease talk about themselves. They seem to never be listening to you. However, that is false! The narcissist is a keen observer of everything about you. They watch what makes you happy and what makes you upset. The narcissist’s game of control relies on this way of interacting with you. They must know things you like as well as things that upset you to maintain control at all times.
When the narcissist doesn’t say positive things to you or show interest in something of yours, it isn’t because they aren’t aware, but because they want to ensure you never feel better than they do. Sure, there are times when they love bomb and you feel like the most special person in the world, but that is not about you. It is about them. They either need to refill their supply, or they think you are slipping away. Either way, the love bombing is for the narcissist and no one else.
When you feel like the narcissist knows the most about you, unfortunately, is when they push your buttons. It is only then that you wonder why the narcissist has been watching you so closely to know the best way to make you upset.
The narcissist is a great reader of people. They can tell when you are at your most vulnerable and this is when they take advantage of you. They thrive on your insecurities because it makes them feel better about themselves. They manipulate in conversations so you lower your defenses, while they get more information from you that they can later use against you. This is why the narcissist becomes charming; for their benefit and not yours.
But the narcissist can’t let you get too comfortable. They can’t be this solid support for you or else the power differential is equal. The narcissist must always be in control. This is where the roller coaster ride of crazy-making with the narcissist starts. You end up on this perpetual ride of good and bad with the narcissist that becomes dizzying and you can’t find a way to get off. The narcissist likes to see you in pain because it re-confirms their beliefs of superiority.
When the narcissist pushes your buttons, they will blame shift if you get upset. You rightfully tell them their behavior is unacceptable and try to defend against their accusations. However, in return the narcissist blame shifts and makes the issue about you and not them. You are now too sensitive, crazy, or always the source of the problem. They tell you that you overreact to things, and it was just a joke. All of these words are to put the power back in their hands. You question whether you did overreact or are the crazy one because of how you responded.
You consider your role in the interaction because you have empathy and don’t want to be the source of someone else’s unhappiness. You are not the narcissist. The narcissist lacks empathy and doesn’t care how you feel. Their goal is to make you upset because that is what they need from you in that moment. They know the buttons to push because they need to always be at the ready to make you feel less of a person so they can feel better about themselves. You have become the support they needed to refill their supply or protect against narcissistic injury. You are there for them but they are never there for you.
At Mindset Therapy we provide mental health services in Texas and Washington from trained professionals, via telepsychology, which allows you to attend the appointment from the location most convenient for you. Visit Mindset Therapy at https://www.mindsettherapyonline.com/ to learn more about the services offered and make an appointment. Also visit our YouTube page, Mindset Therapy, PLLC, for the Mental Health Minute series that provides quick pieces of information for common mental health issues.