Is the narcissist being nice to you and you are wondering what has changed? Why does the narcissist move between being nice and mean, seemingly with no pattern? You may also question whether the narcissist has finally seen the fault in their ways and has decided to be a new person. Is it possible the narcissist has finally considered someone other than themselves and wants to be a better person? Today, I will discuss possible reasons why the narcissist is finally being nice to you. But first, a SPOILER ALERT! None of the reasons are because the narcissist has turned a new page towards a life of empathy and concern for others.
While it might seem hopeful the narcissist has changed because they care about being a better person, I will be the bearer of bad news and state this isn’t what has happened when the narcissist is beginning to be nice. The narcissist lacks object constancy and has an unstable sense of self. That means that they are incapable of managing stressors in their life and independently making themselves feel better. For this reason, they need to use others to feel better about themselves. The most likely way this will happen is if the narcissist is being mean to others. They put others down to feel better about themselves. They like to see people feel uncomfortable and unhappy because it boosts their own ego.
So, if that is true and the narcissist will put others down to feel better about themselves, why would they be nice then? As with everything with the narcissist, they act in a way which provides them with the most amount of control over a situation. Sometimes they put others down to control, and other times they build people up by being nice as a way to control. The choice made by the narcissist depends on what they think will work in their favor at that moment.
When someone is nice to you, you trust them and let your guard down. You think that person cares about you and respects you. You feel happy, and when we are happy, we might overlook small disagreements or other negative things. Happiness overrides things that might otherwise upset us. This is the reason why narcissists will be nice to you. They know that when they are nice, you are more forgiving of small things, and this allows them to build up their control over you. They may still be making jabs at you, but you overlook them because you think things are good. And even if you are upset by their words, you let it slide because you know that bringing up how you feel will just lead to an argument; so, you ignore your own emotions. The problem becomes, even though you are looking past things that they might be doing that aren’t nice, they are still being abusive. This abuse is under the guise of “jokes” or some other excuse of why they can continue to do what they want even if you don’t like it. The manipulation is happening even if they are being nice.
And even when things are going well, it can affect your self-esteem if people are making jokes at your expense. You may overlook it when the narcissist is being nice, but your brain remembers it even if it doesn’t affect you right now. So, when the narcissist switches into their mean stage and they continue to say things that are hurtful, it affects you more because you start to believe it might be true since they continue to treat you poorly.
The narcissist knows that if they constantly beat you down that you will eventually find a way away from them. However, if they sprinkle in some nice words and behaviors, you are more likely to become trauma bonded, which leads to you remaining in the abusive relationship. This is the intermittent reinforcement that comes with the trauma bond; you never know when you will get the nice, happy narcissist and when they will flip and be negative and rude. Because of the trauma bond, you hope that things can return to being fun again, so you hold on, waiting.
The narcissist will be nice when they need to boost their own self-esteem. But they will also be nice when they see you pulling away and consider leaving them. They closely watch you and act in a way that will keep you around longer. The narcissist doesn’t want to lose a source of supply because they then must find another source of supply to replace what they have lost.
Regardless of the reason the narcissist is being nice, it is 100% about what they need in that moment. While you may not know specifically what their need is, it is correct to assume the narcissist is being nice to control and manipulate things into their favor. Don’t be drawn into the narcissist manipulation and think that they have become a new and better person just because they are being nice. It is just part of their game that only they know the rules to.