When someone is in an abusive relationship, it can be painful and overwhelming. They dream of the days in which the abuse will stop, or they can leave their abusive parent or partner. However, even if given the chance to leave or cut off contact, they stay in the abusive relationship. The abused person and all of those around them see what is happening but remain confused on why someone would stay even when they are consistently hurt by someone. The reason someone stays in an abusive relationship is in large part due to trauma bonding. Today, I will briefly discuss what trauma bonding is and then transition into discussion on healing from a trauma bond.
Let’s start with what a trauma bond is. Trauma bonding can occur in any type of abusive relationship, including abuse that is perpetrated by a narcissist. One method by which narcissists inflict their abuse is through control and manipulation. The dynamic between the narcissist and their partner becomes based on intermittent reinforcement of reward and punishment. The intermittent reinforcement comes from the unpredictability of whether an action will be rewarded or punished, making it nearly impossible to predict. The partner being abused thinks next time will be different because of the lack of consistency in how the abuse was delivered in the past. For example, not saying things in a way the narcissist wants this time may not lead to punishment as it had before, so the partner thinks things are getting better.
While it is often difficult for the person in the abusive relationship to see the cycle of abuse that is happening, they may in fact be aware of this pattern. However, the partner being abused has developed a maladaptive behavior of forgiveness in response to punishment and this becomes their normal way of responding. They are trapped in this cycle and it is difficult to get out of. However, many people are able to effectively get out of the abusive relationship but then are left with negative emotions that come from leaving the abusive partner or parent, such as guilt. The person now has to work on healing from the trauma bond which feels like another period of difficulty and uncertainty in their life.
While difficult, healing from a trauma bond is possible, and will always be the better option than going back with the abusive partner or parent. The pain of breaking from the trauma bond is temporary, while the abuse you endured is likely to continue, and worsen, if you return to the abusive partner or parent.
So how can you help yourself heal from a trauma bond? Here are 4 tips to help you heal from a trauma bond:
1. Remain in the present. The trauma bond is so hard to break because it is easy to remember all of the positive times you had together and this then leads to you hoping that there will be more positive times, while believing it is possible because it did happen in the past. Your mind likes to feel comfort in the positive and will take you back to those moments whenever given the chance. Don’t let your mind fool you into thinking that is a real possibility. Stay in the moment and what is happening right now in your life to help keep yourself from drawing back into the positive aspects of an abusive relationship. One way you can do this is with mindfulness, which requires focus on the here and now. When you find your thoughts wandering into the past, come back to the present.
2. Be realistic with yourself. If you find that you are unable to remain in the present despite your best efforts, when you think of the past with the abusive parent or partner, be realistic with yourself. Consider the bad with the good. While painful, you need to remember how the abusive person treated you as a reminder of why you made the decision to leave or cut contact. If the person is saying they will change, ask yourself what steps they are actually making for change. Are the steps the same they said in the past and did that lead to any actual improvements in their behavior?
3. Get rid of your supply of hopium. Hopium is the addiction to false hope. It is an irrational optimism that is not rooted in reality. The narcissist has been abusive, controlling, and down right mean for years or even decades, but you continue to hope things will get better and change. This is a false hope, with an overreliance on hopium because there is nothing to suggest the narcissist will ever change. However, you continue to inhale the hopium to get you through. Hopium is so powerful and addicting because you feel empowered when you have hope. You finally feel in control of the situation and focus on the things you can do to create change. If you didn’t have hope, you would fall into hopelessness and this is a place that most everyone wants to avoid. Hopium becomes your supply to replenish the diminishing hope. Stop inhaling the hopium. It hasn’t changed the narcissist or made your situation better. It only allowed you to make it through the abusive moments. You have left the abusive person and no longer need the hopium. Hopium will convince you to get back with the abusive person and impede your ability to move away.
4. Practice self-care: Change is always hard, and leaving an abusive person is one of the biggest changes you can make. During this time, it is important to focus on self-care and to make yourself the priority. Self-care can be anything that provides the opportunity to bring joy into your life. Even if you don’t find joy or happiness in the activity right now, it is important to stay focused on self-care. As you move away from the abusive partner and start to clear from the fog of abuse, you will be better able to again make yourself a priority and know that you do add value to this world and not just taking up space.
Healing from a trauma bond is hard. It also requires you to make yourself a priority, which you haven’t done for many years, or even decades. Now is the time to focus on you and not let someone else determine your happiness or worth. Practice the 4 tips to help you heal from a trauma bond, while giving yourself grace through this difficult process.
At Mindset Therapy we provide mental health services in Texas and Washington from trained professionals, via telepsychology, which allows you to attend the appointment from the location most convenient for you. Visit Mindset Therapy at https://www.mindsettherapyonline.com/ to learn more about the services offered and make an appointment. Also visit our YouTube page, Mindset Therapy, PLLC, for the Mental Health Minute series that provides quick pieces of information for common mental health issues.