If you have done enough research on narcissists, you have probably come to the conclusion that the narcissist looks out for number one, which is themselves. They are only concerned with how things affect them and will walk all over everyone else if it means they win in the end. Even if the narcissist appears to be in a loving relationship and treats you as if you matter to them, they still seem to only care about themselves and will never defend you. The narcissist never has your back, and this makes you feel isolated and alone despite being close to the narcissist. Why would the narcissist choose to not defend someone they say they care about?
One reason the narcissist wouldn’t defend someone they care about is because the narcissist doesn’t like confrontation. Any sort of confrontation exposes them to narcissistic injury, and they will avoid this possibility at all costs. While the narcissist appears to like to create conflict, they don’t want to actually be a part of it, especially when it is targeted at them. To stand up for someone exposes the narcissist and they would never let this happen.
On a related note, the narcissist likes drama as long as it is not directed at them. If you have a situation where you would like them to defend you this is likely a situation which could have drama. The narcissist enjoys watching others struggle and be upset because it boosts their narcissistic supply. They may even push buttons to agitate the situation even more. If the narcissist is low on narcissistic supply, or thinks you deserve some sort of punishment, then they won’t defend you and have your back.
The narcissist also won’t defend you because they want to use this situation against you in the future. If there is a disagreement between you and the narcissist, the narcissist will never be able to take responsibility. This lack of responsibility is even easier when there is a situation that involves you that they can bring up. That disagreement last week with your boss that they just stood back and watched? That will now be used against you by the narcissist to further their narrative as to why you are the problem. They have proof that it isn’t just them because of the other situations in your life where you had disagreements. Of course, that isn’t reasonable thinking, but the narcissist is never reasonable in their thinking and only views things from their perspective. They will gather pieces of information that they can twist in their favor and use it when they need to refill their narcissistic supply.
The last reason I will discuss today on why the narcissist will never have your back is because they lack empathy. The narcissist is incapable of considering the perspective of someone else. They only view the world through their wants and needs and can’t understand how someone else might feel. Because of this, if there is a situation in which you would like your narcissist to stand up for you or defend you, they simply won’t because they can’t understand how the situation is affecting you. They may see you upset and looking to them for guidance, but their help will be superficial and with no emotion. They don’t want to have your situation negatively affect them and that is all they think or care about. The narcissist is self-centered and when you need them to defend you this selfishness is very apparent.
The narcissist will never stand up for someone else unless they can see the benefit to them. The narcissist is selfish and doesn’t do selfless acts. Every decision they make is well thought out regarding how it might affect them. If the narcissist can’t benefit in some way, they won’t do something. This will never change no matter how much you hope things will be different.