Having a narcissist in your life can be exciting at times, frustrating at others, and almost always lonely. You love this person and want to build a life together, however, they can be cold, distant, and dismissive. You may live in the same house as the narcissist but feel as if you are alone and they never understand you. The narcissist may do nice things for you, but you wonder can a narcissist love me?
To understand whether a narcissist can love you, you must understand that love is a subjective experience and how one person experiences love is different from how another person experiences love. You may love someone with all your heart, but to expect them to love in return the same way will just lead to disappointment. Some people love through words while others love through actions.
According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, love is a feeling of a strong affection. If someone behaves in a different way, it doesn’t mean they don’t love, it only means they don’t love in the same way that you do.
So, can a narcissist love you? If you were to ask the narcissist, they would say they do love you and their children. They aren’t lying, necessarily, but they are describing their version of love which is likely very different from a non-narcissist’s version of love.
Oftentimes, this is a confusing concept to grasp because the narcissist comes on strong, making you feel like you mean everything to them. They shower you with gifts and make you feel special. As a person with the capacity to experience “normal” love, this seems to be a prelude to an amazing relationship you will have with this person who seems to enjoy your company so much. This behavior even has a name that suggests love, which is love bombing.
The narcissist comes on strong to ensure they have you pulled in. They use the love bombing to grab hold of you so that they can better manipulate in their game of control. They aren’t loving you in the traditional sense. Rather, they are loving you in the only way they know possible which is through control and manipulation.
Relationships are transactional with the narcissist, which means they are entered into only if the narcissist can get something in return. If the narcissist doesn’t feel like they are getting what they want, they will leave. They do this with no consideration for their partner. The narcissist lacks empathy and can only consider their own needs and wants. When they feel like they are no longer benefiting from a relationship, they can find no reason to stay.
The thing is, the narcissist does love throughout this process. They love that you, their partner, are giving them what they want. They love that they are the center of attention, and they love the control they feel they have over you. As long as they feel like they are benefiting from your presence, they will continue to love this transactional relationship they have created.
This is lonely for you, however, because you recognize everything is about the narcissist. They don’t acknowledge your needs and wants, and if you decide to bring up your concerns, they blame shift and belittle so that the problem is you and not them. This also prevents conversations moving forward because to discuss your concerns can lead to vulnerability and shame in the narcissist.
Even though the narcissist is in the same room as you, being with a narcissist is lonely. Loneliness is a feeling of sadness or unhappiness that occurs when you feel socially, and not necessarily physically, isolated. As the isolation from your partner increases, the loneliness becomes more apparent. The narcissist can be in the same house as you, but you feel alone and isolated from emotion and connection. You love the narcissist but don’t feel that love in return. The narcissist will never feel love the same way you do because it will never be mutual love. The question isn’t whether a narcissist can love, but whether a narcissist can love you in a way that makes you feel happy and cared for. For that question, the answer is likely no.