The narcissist will never take responsibility for their actions that can’t be viewed as positive. The narcissist thinks they are grandiose and flawless, so they believe they can do no wrong. They blame shift and project their flaws onto others so they aren’t seen as the person who is wrong. The narcissist will gaslight so you never know what to believe. The narcissist is always upset and quick to anger, or give the silent treatment, with the smallest thing that happens around them. And you as the non-narcissist will try to make things better to relieve the tension that is always present when you are around a narcissist. However, when you do this, you are helping the narcissist in their blame shifting game and removing all responsibility from the narcissist to correct their poor behavior. Stop helping the narcissist not take responsibility for their actions. While it might help things in the moment, it only prolongs the narcissist’s use of their punishment tactics and helps them continue their narrative that you are the problem and not them.
The narcissist will not take responsibility for things that turn out bad and will not apologize even when at fault. To do so would expose them to narcissistic shame which they are unable to manage due to their unstable sense of self. When you step in and try to make things better with the narcissist by overlooking what has happened, you are helping the narcissist not take responsibility. This allows the narcissist to continue in their gaslighting because this is part of the control and manipulation they are so good at.
The narcissist’s unstable sense of self doesn’t allow them to process any wrongdoings they may have done. And by wrongdoings, I am referring to things big and little. Anything the narcissist can view as them not being the superior person they believe they are is considered a possible flaw in them and they cannot manage the emotions that come with this because of their unstable sense of self. When they engage in narcissistic rage or the silent treatment, this is a defense mechanism to push you away. They need to keep you at a distance so they don’t have feelings of shame activated. And when the narcissist uses their punishment tactics of rage or silent treatment, they become very unpleasant to be around. As a way to improve the interactions with the narcissist, and to make it more bearable to be around them, you will apologize for anything you could have done wrong, or avoid talking about what they did wrong for fear of upsetting them further.
By doing this you are helping the narcissist not take responsibility for their actions and this is exactly what they want from you. As long as they are yelling, or not talking to you at all, then the issue can’t be addressed. However, this is uncomfortable to be around so you do what you can to relieve the pressure as quick as possible and this includes you apologizing or ignoring the issue all together. The narcissist has now gotten exactly what they were looking for – avoidance of the topic at hand.
If you want to not always feel like the responsible person in the negative interactions with the narcissist, you need to set the boundary of not letting their acting out in anger be excused and brushed under the rug. It is uncomfortable when they are angry or withholding communication but as soon as you do something to relieve the tension, the narcissist is freed from taking responsibility. Additionally, the narcissist can now use this as proof that you are the problem and use this against you in the future.
The best course of action is to do nothing to relieve the tension the narcissist has created by them becoming upset with their own wrongdoing. This will be difficult because you must exist even longer in a hostile world created by the narcissist. But this is what is needed for you to no longer be seen as the problem by the narcissist, and for them to have to sit with their own negative emotions and not put them on you. If you are in this position of waiting for the narcissist to get over being upset, stop focusing on what you did wrong or how you can make things better. I can guarantee the narcissist isn’t putting that same energy into their own actions and what they could have done wrong. Find a hobby you enjoy, go for a walk, talk to friends, or do a number of other activities that focus on you as the priority and not the narcissist.