Have you ever asked someone a question just to get an answer that was unrelated to the question? You ask the question again, but again get a similar response that doesn’t actually address the question. You wonder if it was how you asked the question, so you try to rephrase it. No matter how you ask the question, you continue to be left with no answers of any value.
We have all had this experience to some degree. The lack of clarity in someone’s response can be due to them not understanding the question or them not feeling confident in their response. Either way, most people who don’t answer a question directly don’t use this manner of responding across all of their interactions.
One exception is with a narcissist. Narcissists purposely use vagueness in their responses because they don’t want to be held accountable for their response. The narcissist likes to be in control, and they do this by always keeping you guessing. If you don’t really have an answer to your question then you can’t hold them accountable, and they can remain in control.
If you ask a seemingly simple question like “Have you been talking to your ex?”, the narcissist may respond with “I don’t plan on it.”. This response doesn’t answer the question of if they have talked to their ex. Their response not only is future focused (and not based on the past as you asked), but also adds in how they don’t “plan” on it. What the narcissist is actually saying is at this moment in time they have no specific time or day in which they will talk to their ex. So yes, in their mind they have answered the question, but did you really get an answer?
While their answers may appear vague, they are well thought out by the narcissist to ensure they remain in control and have the least amount of commitment to their response. To continue with the above example, let’s say after your narcissist says they don’t plan on talking to their ex, you find out they met up a month after that conversation. You confront the narcissist and ask them how they could have met up with their ex when they indicated they weren’t planning on talking to them. The most likely response from the narcissist will be “I didn’t plan on talking to them when you asked me, and then we just connected and made plans to meet up.”
The narcissist continues in their word games of semantics, picking apart every word in their carefully crafted response. They know what words will give them the most flexibility in their future choices. All of this while taking no responsibility for their past, present, or future actions.
If you press the narcissist for an actual answer, they feel more trapped and cornered. They will then start to provide responses that aren’t even related to the question. At some point, you feel confused and frustrated so will stop asking the question. You started out wanting to know whether they were talking to their ex but somehow get responses from the narcissist about how you can never do anything right. The conversation has quickly moved from questions about the narcissist’s behaviors, to faults they see in you.
While you may want direct answers from narcissists, this is something you will never get. The narcissist must continue their word games so that they remain in control in their game of manipulation and control. You are often not someone that adds value to their life through connection and love, but someone they can use to get their own needs met while having ready access to refill their narcissistic supply. I can imagine that is crushing to hear when you do have feelings for this person and want the best for them. But try to imagine how the narcissist would respond to you if you provided similarly vague responses to their question. The narcissist wants things done their way, but are not accepting when people behave in a similar way. When the narcissist can only think of themselves and lacks empathy, then they have no way of truly knowing how their actions affect others, including you. Despite your best efforts, the issues are not with you, but with the narcissist’s inability and oftentimes unwillingness to look inward and see what role they play in negative interactions.
At Mindset Therapy we provide mental health services in Texas and Washington from trained professionals, via telepsychology, which allows you to attend the appointment from the location most convenient for you. Visit Mindset Therapy at https://www.mindsettherapyonline.com/ to learn more about the services offered and make an appointment. Also visit our YouTube page, Mindset Therapy, PLLC, for the Mental Health Minute series that provides quick pieces of information for common mental health issues.