In my previous blog, I discussed why narcissists refuse to apologize. In today’s blog, I will discuss why narcissists, who otherwise refuse to apologize, will sometimes apologize to you. However, this apology is never genuine or meant to take responsibility for their actions. The narcissist apology, or fauxpology, is meant to benefit the narcissist in some way, while removing all responsibility from themselves. When you can understand what a fauxpology looks likes from a narcissist, you can better protect yourself from this illusion of blame acceptance from the narcissist and not fall into the trap of thinking they might have learned right from wrong and can change.
If you haven’t already, check out the previous blog “Why Do Narcissists Refuse to Apologize?” for more information on why narcissists refuse to apologize. In this blog I will jump right into those situations where it seems the narcissist did apologize, and while it may appear to be an apology on the surface, if you look deeper you can see the holes in their apology.
First, let’s look at what an apology is. An apology is an expression of regret and remorse. It is an acknowledgment of a wrongdoing or error, that is accompanied by regret. When you consider what makes an apology sincere and appropriate, it includes admitting to the mistake you made as well as how that mistake has impacted others. This requires responsibility taking. In the absence of taking responsibility, there can be no true apology.
As I have mentioned in the last blog, narcissists are not capable of accepting responsibility. To accept responsibility, the narcissist can no longer portray themselves as superior to others and free of issues and problems. Responsibility taking in the narcissist can lead to blame, and then shame. The narcissist will go into self-preservation mode and become defensive to ensure they don’t have to experience these feelings of shame. They also act to prevent providing people with information they think can be used against them in the future.
So, if you found yourself getting an apology from a narcissist, you might be wondering why the apology happened. Was it because they know they did wrong, care about how the wrongdoing affected you, or feel regret for their actions? The answer is probably no to all of those. The apology from a narcissist is rarely to make someone else feel better. Narcissists use apologies to return the advantage to them.
Narcissists function in a continuous game of control and manipulation. In order to control others, they must feel like they have the upper hand. When there is a wrongdoing that has been committed, the narcissist starts to lose the upper hand because all attention is now on them. If they think you are getting upset with them for this alleged wrongdoing, they will begin to sense blame that is being placed on them. As I have discussed before, narcissists can’t internalize feelings of blame so they must blame shift and put the blame on you. However, if you are unwilling to accept the blame the narcissist is projecting onto you, then they have to reach deeper into their toolbox of techniques to control others. One way they do this is with the fauxpology.
A fauxpology is a statement that on the surface appears to be an apology but lacks responsibility taking and remorse. The fauxpology is the non-apology apology. The words seem to suggest the person is acknowledging the wrongdoing, but the intent is not to take responsibility. The fauxpology removes the responsibility for the wrongdoing from the narcissist and places it onto the person that was wronged.
One example of a fauxpology might be: “I am sorry you got upset over what I said”. This is a blame-shifting apology because it places the burden on the wronged for how they took the statement and not on the narcissist in the statement that was made. It implies that if the person wronged wasn’t too sensitive then they wouldn’t have gotten upset with what was said by the narcissist. The words “I’m sorry” give the impression the narcissist has taken responsibility, but there are actually no words to indicate the responsibility that was taken.
Another example of a fauxpology from the narcissist would be: “I know I shouldn’t have hooked up with someone else.” This fauxpology is an attempt to minimize their behavior while not recognizing how their behaviors have affected you.
Narcissists place their apologies in smoke and mirrors. The apology is meant to distract you from the wrongdoing and to get you off the trail of the narcissist and onto something else. The narcissist uses the fauxpology as a way to get off the hook and things back to status-quo as quickly as possible. The narcissist doesn’t apologize because they have developed empathy or a sense of wrongdoing, but because they need to regain control in a situation they are quickly losing control in.
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