Cutting ties with a narcissist can be difficult. Most of the time they tell you how horrible you are and how unhappy you make them, but then if you do try to leave, the narcissist will make it difficult. They act like they want you gone but make it hard to actually leave. Add in the trauma bond and you feel like you will never be free of the narcissist in your life. However, one day you reach rock bottom and decide to break ties with the narcissist. What you didn’t expect was how hard it is to be away from the narcissist. Why do I miss the narcissist so much?
Despite the years of abuse from the narcissist, you still miss them and long to be back together. You question your decision to go no contact and wonder if it was the right decision for you and the relationship. You start to second guess your decision and your actions in the relationship. You replay what you could have done wrong and what might be your fault. You start to gaslight yourself just as the narcissist did.
As you are missing the narcissist, are you being fair in your memories of the relationship? Are you considering the good and the bad or only focusing on the good? When we find ourselves alone and wanting more of something we no longer have, it is easy to focus only on the positives. To think of the negative is painful and we push those thoughts out as quickly as possible. Also, you don’t want to think about the negative from the relationship because then it just feels like you are still in the relationship. It is understandable that the positives are where you would like to focus.
Remember though, the relationship with the narcissist was a constant let down. Hopes would raise as you thought things could be different, and then quickly be destroyed as the narcissist reminded you who they truly are. You tried making changes in you, for them, and it was never enough. The narcissist would still blame you, call you names, and treat you like you were meant to be destroyed. Remember these facts about the narcissist.
Even if there were good times, or even amazing times, can you really say those times were enough to excuse their abusive and toxic behavior?
Even if you got back together with the narcissist, do you really believe that things would be different? Why now? Just because you aren’t together, that doesn’t mean the narcissist is a new, changed person. They are the same abusive, controlling person you knew in the relationship. Again, don’t gaslight yourself into doubting your own thoughts and memories! The narcissist lied throughout the relationship and now you are lying to yourself even without the narcissist.
Maybe you miss them because you want closure. Closure is something you never got from the narcissist even when you were still together. The discussions you wanted to have? They always ended in arguments and then the silent treatment. The narcissist was incapable of talking through issues and discussing things with you. Closure was never provided because the narcissist couldn’t accept responsibility and look within themselves. You were always the problem and the narcissist let you know that. So, when things happened there was no working through it. You were the problem. Discussion closed.
Now that you are free from the narcissist, it can feel freeing, but also scary. You are free to make whatever decisions you want, without being yelled at and belittled, but you no longer trust yourself to make those decisions. They took every ounce of self-esteem left in you and now being on your own is scary. You don’t trust your own thoughts and feelings and feel so alone. Remember, this will pass. If you return to the narcissist, they will take more of who you are as a person. Missing them, and the relationship, will be hard. However, once you get to the other side of this pain, you will find your old self again and start to make decisions best for you and find yourself again.