Are you unhappy in your relationship with the narcissist? Have you tried everything you can think of to have things improve but nothing seems to work? Do you put in more effort than your partner and wonder why you must change and not the narcissist? It can be frustrating when you feel like you are putting in all the effort for improvement, when your partner is the one who is a large contributor to the problems.
So, why would you, the non-narcissist partner, be the one expected to make all the changes and not the narcissist?
Put simply, one reason why you must change and not the narcissist is because you can. The narcissist is unable to consider others due to their lack of empathy and feelings of superiority. The world revolves around them and people are simply obstacles that prevent them from getting what they want, or objects to use to their advantage. Making the relationship work is not seen as a mutual act by the narcissist. The narcissist is invested in making their partner happy when it will benefit them in some way.
If you are unhappy in the relationship with the narcissist, you have the choice to stay or go. Yes, the decision is not that easy and there are many reasons why people stay in toxic relationships. However, regardless of the reason you have chosen to stay, if you want to have some sort of stability in your relationship you will need to be the one to make changes and not the narcissist. If you wait for the narcissist to find a reason to change, you will be waiting a very long time.
You have seen the narcissist overreact to small things, misread what you said, and give you the silent treatment for days or longer. The narcissist lives in the moment and they can’t problem-solve beyond how they feel right now. You do something they like; they are happy. You do something they don’t like; they are mean and enter into narcissistic rage. The narcissist will not change because not only do they lack empathy, but their unstable sense of self results in them being held captive by their emotions right now. They can’t remember you as someone they liked 10 minutes ago if they are mad at you right now. You, the non-narcissist, can hold both positive and negative at the same time. This allows you to be able to make changes when the narcissist can’t.
Also, the narcissist cannot accept blame. To think they were a cause to a problem would require them to take responsibility and this can lead to vulnerability and feelings of shame. The narcissist cannot experience these feelings so they must blame shift. Everyone else is the reason for their problems, and never them.
When you can remember both positive and negative in the relationship, you have hope things can change. The good times are something you strive for and you can look forward to in the future. You consider how to make things better. Hope is motivating. Hope, to some extent, requires trust in the relationship and your partner. Narcissists lack the ability to trust because they only consider themselves. To place trust in others means they must relinquish control in themselves. Narcissists must maintain control at all times, and they will give it away to no one.
So, if you consider the narcissist thinks of only themselves, the narcissist lacks empathy and must maintain feelings of superiority at all times, they can’t accept blame, and they can’t remember positives in the relationship when there is negative, it is clear why you are the one who has to make changes and the narcissist. The narcissist can’t and/or won’t.
If you have chosen to remain in the relationship with the narcissist, the only possibility things can be manageable is if you make changes for any potential improvements. While this can be frustrating and you feel like you are putting in all the effort, remember that you can control the effort you put in and this allows you to be in control of the relationship, and not the narcissist.
At Mindset Therapy we provide mental health services in Texas and Washington from trained professionals, via telepsychology, which allows you to attend the appointment from the location most convenient for you. Visit Mindset Therapy at https://www.mindsettherapyonline.com/ to learn more about the services offered and make an appointment. Also visit our YouTube page, Mindset Therapy, PLLC, for the Mental Health Minute series that provides quick pieces of information for common mental health issues.