As I have discussed in many of my blogs, narcissists are manipulative and like to maintain a sense of control at all times. To give up or lose control places them at risk for narcissistic injury, which they will avoid at all costs. When they experience narcissistic injury, there is a deep feeling of hurt they experience and this leads to them lashing out at others as a way to defend themselves. Narcissistic rage is the result and is a form of self-preservation for the narcissist.
While the narcissist might present as superior and with high self-esteem, deep down they experience low self-esteem and low self-worth. To be best able to predict their environment and protect against perceived attacks on them, they try to control all aspects of their environment. The more in control they feel, the better able they can manipulate and control others.
The narcissist thinks only of themselves and is incapable of considering how their actions affect others due to a lack of empathy. For this reason, boundaries from a narcissist are very poorly defined. The boundary is fluid and determined by whatever serves them best in the moment. If they need their supply refilled, then they will be kind and loving. However, if they think their partner is starting to get too confident in the relationship, they will be mean and brutal. They assess each moment to determine what will work best for them.
As the partner or child of a narcissist, the best thing you can do in the relationship is to set boundaries so that you can limit the control and manipulation the narcissist has over you. However, boundary setting with a narcissist can be very difficult. This is in part to feelings of guilt from you on setting firm boundaries, but also in the narcissist consistently breaking the boundaries or using the boundaries against you to further control and manipulate.
A boundary is like a line in the sand. It is the clear line between what you will accept and what you will not accept. This boundary can be whatever you want it to be, but it must be clearly defined so that you can hold yourself, as well as the narcissist, to the boundary. A poorly defined boundary is much easier for the narcissist to manipulate. When setting boundaries, if the narcissist oversteps this line, then they are told of this boundary violation and the consequences.
Narcissists don’t live in the confinement of boundaries and all people are meant to be controlled in their mind. The concept of a boundary doesn’t make sense to the narcissist and this is why it is so hard to set and keep boundaries with the narcissist.
Additionally, the narcissist doesn’t like to be told how to behave. Remember, the narcissist has designed their world around them and what works best for them. If someone sets, and holds to, a boundary, this tells the narcissist they are not in control and they do not like this. The narcissist must be in control at all times. When you do try to set a boundary with the narcissist, they engage in one of their punishment tactics such as the silent treatment or rage to show you their disapproval for the boundary and also to have you change your behavior. This allows the narcissist to feel in control again and they will continue their punishment tactic as long as they need to in order to regain control.
When you set the boundary with the narcissist, they are likely to get angry or otherwise upset and this is not something you want to deal with. You try to keep the narcissist happy so that they don’t engage in their narcissistic punishment tactics. However, this has you losing out in the end because then there are no boundaries kept with the narcissist. You tried to exert control by setting the boundary, but the narcissist was able to take back the control by breaking the boundary and also having you not set it again in the future as a way to avoid punishment from the narcissist.
While setting boundaries is hard with the narcissist, this is necessary for you to have some sense of control in the relationship and not behave in the way only the narcissist wants you to. The narcissist will push back and throw a narcissistic fit when you hold them to the boundary, but in the end you are the winner and this is a game of control and manipulation the narcissist has lost.
At Mindset Therapy we provide mental health services in Texas and Washington from trained professionals, via telepsychology, which allows you to attend the appointment from the location most convenient for you. Visit Mindset Therapy at https://www.mindsettherapyonline.com/ to learn more about the services offered and make an appointment. Also visit our YouTube page, Mindset Therapy, PLLC, for the Mental Health Minute series that provides quick pieces of information for common mental health issues.