If you have watched videos or read articles on narcissists, you likely have seen reference to the narcissist being hard to treat in therapy. The narcissist is resistant to change and even if they decide to attend therapy, they are unlikely to demonstrate any substantial changes. Why are narcissists so hard to treat?
To understand why narcissists are hard to treat, you must remember that narcissists resist change at all costs. Narcissists must maintain the image of superiority and grandiosity to protect their fragile senses of self. The narcissist seems accomplished and confident, but this is all an act they put on. Deep down, the narcissist is insecure and readily responds to perceived criticism from others. To protect against narcissistic injury, they build walls around themselves to protect against narcissistic shame. When the narcissist’s life revolves around them being on the defensive to protect against narcissistic injury, they are resistant to change.
There is a saying that “perception is reality” but this saying is false, and invalidating to those that don’t live in the reality of someone else’s perception. The more appropriate statement would be “perception is that person’s reality” and this can’t be more true than with a narcissist. The narcissist has created a reality that is not based in fact and is designed to maintain their false beliefs about themselves and the world. The narcissist firmly believes their reality is everyone else’s reality and will bully people into following the rules of the reality they have created. If someone speaks out about the narcissist’s reality being false, they will enter into narcissistic rage and either yell or give the silent treatment to control the person and try to regain control in their false lives.
Sure, the narcissist has periods in which they love bomb and can be nice and caring, but this isn’t because they have suddenly started to care about other people or want to make life better for others. The narcissist love bombs to manipulate others. The narcissist feels the person they are love bombing is pulling away or not interested, so they manipulate the person to think they are valued by the narcissist. The narcissist does things that benefit themselves and no one else.
Change requires responsibility taking, and this is something the narcissist will refuse to do. To take responsibility means that you accept fault in your actions. The narcissist can do no wrong. They believe they are better than everyone else. If the narcissist thinks they are flawless then they can never find fault in their actions.
Their inability to look inward and understand not only what actions they do that affect others, but also their inability to understand how someone else might feel, is why narcissists are so hard to treat. Most of the time, if the narcissist is in treatment, it has been mandated or the narcissist thinks they will get something from going to treatment. Treatment can be a way the narcissist can refill their supply. A treatment setting can be the audience the narcissist is looking for and a chance to recruit others, such as the therapist, into the web of lies they have created. The narcissist is manipulative and often good at convincing others they are a victim. The narcissist may work to convince the therapist that they are not the problem, but their partner is.
In therapy, the narcissist may blame shift and make everything about their partner while continuing to avoid responsibility taking. At the end of the day, the narcissist remains unchanged and may have even recruited the therapist into their crazy making. While it might be enticing to ask a narcissist to go to therapy with you so you can work on the relationship, first ask yourself has the narcissist been capable of any change in the relationship before, and if not, why would this time be any different?