Feeling loved and valued is part of the human connection so many people desire. We are social creatures who want to connect with others and feel like we add value to their life. When someone tells us they love us and want us to be a part of their lives, we believe them when there is no reason to think otherwise. This allows the connection to grow and the relationship to move forward. However, what happens when you have committed your time and emotions to someone just to learn it was fake and they never really cared about you? How do you move past that hurt and deception?
Partners who create toxic, emotionally abusive relationships only care about themselves. They don’t consider how their actions can hurt someone else. They want to do what they want to do and don’t consider that might affect others. People who are emotionally abusive are often great with their words and pulling people in, but this is only to benefit them and no one else.
Even emotionally abusive people know what people like to hear to build connection in relationships. However, the difference is this information is meant to manipulate the other person. They want the person to feel secure in the relationship by saying and doing the things that they know the other person wants to see and hear. As a caring individual, you believe their words and your love for them grows.
But then one day your partner tells you that they just used you and they never loved and cared for you. You are crushed because this is not what you thought when you were together. Their words and actions led you to believe it was a committed relationship. But now you learn it was not. How do you get over this when they acted like they cared and led you to believe it was a committed relationship?
Step one is don’t question yourself and what you could have done wrong. If your partner acted in a way that made you feel valued and loved then it is not your fault that they say it was never true. They manipulated you for their own gain and they would have continued to do this as long as it benefited them. There is nothing you could have done differently because you were basing your emotions and actions off of their words and behaviors. You believing them when what they were saying was false isn’t a flaw in you. It is 100% about them. You did nothing wrong.
And while it is not your place to figure out what is real and what is not real in your ex’s words, it is worth considering your ex did actually love and care about you but is saying otherwise now as a defense mechanism. They are incapable of feeling the hurt that comes with a breakup so they make it about you and not them. They know their words will hurt you, so they put their hurt onto you. When people hurt, they too often want to hurt others as well.
To move past the hurt you feel requires you to allow yourself to feel hurt and deceived, but don’t replay the relationship in your head. The retelling you will envision will be based on your own truths and memories and these may not be what your ex also thought and felt. Going over every kind act they did or kind words they told you as a way to convince yourself they did love you will just create more doubt in your mind. You will question what was real and what wasn’t. The problem is, those are questions you will never have answers to. Maybe your ex meant it and maybe they didn’t. You will never know the actual truth, and this will just keep you in a place of uncertainty.
The more you live in the past with this relationship that didn’t work out, the longer you will keep yourself from finding someone new. As you move back into the world of dating it is expected you will protect your heart more after the hurt from your ex’s words. This is normal. But don’t let your ex’s words keep you from finding someone else. Remember who you are mad at and don’t let that anger and hurt follow you into your new relationships. You deserve the best person for you so don’t be the roadblock to getting that!